Not Once But Twice

Warning - This is a long long long rare glimpse in a rare moment in my life. It has some negative thoughts and feelings that I just normally do not entertain. I guess it shows me that I am not always the positive upbeat simple minded person I think I am.

I fell in the driveway this morning. To my defense, it was covered in black ice before I knew it.

The honeymoon is over. I guess this is to be expected under the circumstances. I think Bob and I had just about enough of each other's lovely close company last night. I have been so conscious of making the smallest of footprints in our tiny little house while we have been cooped up. It appeared to me that I might be getting on his nerves just the tiniest bit. Which is disturbing because I am trying so hard to not be annoying. Which could be a problem in itself.

Anyhow, being the independent person I am, I decided that I would make my office run last night instead of Bob schlepping me around. I had not driven in several days and I needed to get out and do what I wanted to do and have some alone time at the office perhaps drive through Starbucks for some a grande hot chocolate. When I suggested I would do that, I slipped up and asked for his opinion (which I clearly did not want). He asked me if I was a member of AAA. What the heck does that mean? Don't call me if you get in a pickle? Does he not know that I don't have AAA? I stared at him trying to find the meaning behind that. He said he thought it wasn't a good idea and that he would take me. So, being the passive aggressive person that I know I am, I said fuck that and I went in the other room and busied myself on the computer and got quite a bit of work done. Anger adrenoline is the best thing that can happen to me sometimes. I had already made up my mind that I would get up early like I normally do and make my office run while he snores away.

So I went out there at 5:30 this morning and took the shovel to make a path so my car would not make tire marks on the stupid little bit of snow that Bob would have to scrape up. (He is obsessed with having only black show on the driveway.) Ugh. Three steps out there and I was on my ass. I could not get up. I found that I still have the muscle weakness in the upper legs and I could not push myself up. I crawled back into the garage and managed to roll around and grab this and that and get myself upright. Okay, now I know what I am dealing with.

I go back out there very gingerly shoveling that stupid path to the end of the stupid driveway. At the end of the driveway, I got carried away and forgot to maintain my balance. Down I went again and I had to CRAWL all the way back to the garage and to the step into the laundry room and roll around again and get myself upright. By that time I was crying in frustration and futality. But I decided that I would not stinking drive to the stinking office this stinking morning. But I had to go so I went in there and got his ass out of bed to take me. Can you tell emotions are building here?

Throughout the day, I kept to myself mostly and we had breakfast and small superficial conversations about this and that. But I would pick up on body language and facial twitches. Maybe I look too hard and make things up in my head. I am so sensitive to peoples facial twitches and body language. Ugh again on that. So, later I decided I would get the heck out of the house, being an adult and all and skip anyone else's opinion. I had several stops to make and had loaded up a bag with all the stuff I needed to take care of. I asked Bob to put it in my car because it was kind of heavy and I wanted to conserve my energy. He jokingly rolled his eyes and said he would think about it. I took this lighthearted moment to blow up. I told him I was about to blow up and that I had a lot of things to rethink. I had to rethink my treatment plan, I had to rethink how I am living my life, I had to rethink what the heck we are doing here, I had to rethink of why the heck I keep getting another chance and jerking people around with each relapse, and was it all worth it. Where the heck did that come from???

I think it was the log that hit him in the head. He gave me a hug and when I got back home, he seemed in a more positive mood. He has been fine since. Me, I am still pondering what it is all about.

Pandora called me yesterday to tell me that they were crafting and making collages and would I like to come over. Duh! My first thought was to go get Ally and Maddy and go to Ben's for a big collage session. Then reality set in. I was typing, it was snowing, and I could not see myself getting up those outside steps at Ben's and then have to go up the inside steps also. I have become our mother. I make the same decisions looking at steps. We have a big ol piece of 6X6 timber by the back step as a transition for me to get into the house. I have been hung up there a few times before we came up with that one. So, that put me in a funk. The only people who seem to enjoy my company these days are not available to me.

So my thought pattern of the day was, why am I here? My kids don't need me. After 40 years and a snow storm, Bob and I have finally run out of meaningful things to say. My sisters all have exciting and fulfilling lives, and the little people who are always happy to see me and hang out with me and don't have expectations of me are somewhere out there in castles with big steps and a moat.

This story has a happy ending. Ben and Chrissy came over with Pandora, Winter, Autumn and Sammy and we had pizza and a lot of fun. It filled me up and I think it filled Bob up. Things are back to normal around here. The roads are easily traveled now and I am back to being mobile. I think I am going to Jim and Chrissy's tomorrow to watch Ally and Maddy and craft while they go to a PT Conference for Ally.

Maybe under the trying circumstances of being holed up in whatever dwelling a person is being holed up in during a snow storm, the same kind of emotions and feelings of isolation and confinement are playing out. Maybe not for you, Susie, you are still in the young stages of love and have big plans for the future, but I bet Lori knows what I speak of here. LOL! Liz, your relationship with Dan seems pretty lighthearted yet strong, so maybe this is disturbing to hear from me. Now, looking back I think it was pretty mild. We didn't lash out or name call or any other negative domestic situation. It is just little irritations I guess.

I am looking forward to spring and getting out in the yard and garden. By then, the side effects of the radiation and sterroids will be a faint memory. We have another yard project we are planning with Bob's new grill and we are planning the garden.

Life is good.