Yikes - how old am I anyway?? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L-28jAoTPFw

Hope you have a wonderful day!
Love ya girlie

Only A PaperMoon

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gapCK5_rMuY

But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.

Carl Sagan

My face floats above my shoulders like a full moon. I am ghoulish, fat and frightening to some children and probably a few unsuspecting adults.

This post took a turn and in some way I thought it would all blend together. I intended to write a funny little ditty to express my humorous view of my own situation until I got a heart wrenching email from a loved one after a call she received from a family member that left her feeling down and defeated. Sorry for the secrecy. I feel I may have said too much of this private matter already.

People are fragile things. Their hearts break, spirits are crushed. You think they are tough and edgy and prickly yet when they let you see behind that fragile crumpled parchment exterior it rips at your heart. They are delicate and vulnerable.

This is not about me but one of my lovelies who has had a tough time but has kept a stiff upper lip and haughty to hell with it attitude going.

I think things are going to be okay but it opened my eyes to what a facade a person can put on to get through the day. I knew this already but sometimes the epiphany hits hard.
We are all fragile and susceptible to shreds, tatters, hurt and self loathing. I guess that makes us human. I guess that makes us strong.

My New Grand Chickies

Ben hid these baby hens at our house for a few days untill he could sneak them home for Christmas morning. For some reason I had an unreasnable desire to keep them. I fell in love with them.

We kept them in the computer room where I could come and go and talk to them and listen to their beautiful soft little peeps.

They are silkie and soft and oh so fuzzy. The most beautiful blue I have ever seen. I guess eventually they grow up a little bigger but not like Foghorn Leghorn.

Ayhow, I really wanted to keep them and told Ben to go buy some more for Winter. He has been reasearcing and looking for months to get just two chicks. Oh well. He told me I would have to break it to Winter. Not a problem, she would get over it. She didn't even know she was getting them anyway. That was her big request to Santa though. And we all want fesh eggs. But honestly kids don't get everything they want, right?

When push came to shove, Maw Maw came through. I think I was kidding about all of the above, but I am not really sure.

Now looking at Winter's sweet happy face with the big toothy grin, I guess I did the right thing.

Happy Birthday Dad

I think mom and dad are probably having "highballs" and getting silly about right now!

Happy Birthday Dad!

I'll leave it up to one of your girlies to add a picture! I've got a mess - can't find a thing at the moment.
It's hard to believe how long it's been since Dad passed. I know if was before Sarah was born (1982) and it was in May but I'm pretty bad about dates.
I just wonder what he would think of us all now?
I wonder if him and Mom are hanging out today - him in his 2-pocket white shirt and Mom in her uniform trying to get Christmas ready - maybe for a bunch of jokeys?!
We're having an interesting mix of guests for dinner this evening; Sarah, Paul, Aiden; Pat and Connie; Buddy Bayes; and my friend Darlene (from work). Hmmmmmmmmmmmm - One Big Happy!
Sending hugs and kisses your way!
The Searcher

Belly Button Blues http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n5uujMb_hbo

I had the worst time with the link - you'll probably have to cut and paste in your browser. I guarantee you'll LOVE it!

Hi Sisters - After we had our little get together the other day I can't seem to get the belly button conversaton out of my head.
Lori, do you know why in the world Mom had her belly button removed?
Do you know Susie no longer has a belly button?
The last time I checked - just a short while ago - I still had mine.
Diane - ?
Lori - ?

What do you girls think and how do you like this jingle?
I love you girls so much - with or without your belly buttons.

Somewhere Over The Rainbow

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4uGXEJsF1Zo

Am I Doing Enough?

In the worst way I want to walk. I think about it often and it occurs to me that I am not doing enough or pushing myself beyond my comfort limit.

I am not pleased with the everlasting tedium of being held captive to this metal contraption nor to being dependent on others to reach for things either just out of the grasp of my fingertips or ridiculously beyond my reach.

And I miss real sqishy hugs without the awkward bendy ouchy where the heck do I put my arm maneuvers being performed with the grace of, well, someone like me.

What more can I do?

Is what is going on in my brain totally preventing my mobility or could I overcome some of those effects?

Well it certainly would not hurt to try an experiment to see what happens. I would like to go out hand in hand with Bob this spring to help plant the best salsa and veggie soup garden we have ever had. Strange as it may sound, I missed the weeding, digging and mowing.

I think the best time to start such an experiment would be now. Why wait for a constricingt box on the calendar to mark a Fresh Start or to conveniently provide a built in procrastination gimmick?

Wish me well.

One More for the Shoe

A while back Pandora was over. She discovered the Blue Shoe. I saw a sparkle in her eyes and I told her that there was more than one. She shyly asked if she could have one. As she does not ask for things, I felt a little sad about telling her it was not mine to give away. I do not really know how she felt about Maw Maw refusing her request because she rarely gets that kind of answer around here. I knew Ben would not have wanted me to give it away if it wasn't mine to do so. Not like a popsycle request that never gets refused.

Anyway the sparkle in her eyes (not unlike Mom's) has been on my mind ever since. In the middle of last night an idea occurred to me that could make a connection between Pandora and Mom. I could give her one for Christmas. I will pay whoever purchased this humble knobby shoe if they let me.

I wrote a little story to go with it so Pandora could understand that connection. You see I think I do understand it now thanks to Susie's sincere post and all the backing and forthing and working out we have done on this blog. I see the good that comes out of our communication even if sometimes it is ouchy.

Here is the note to Pandora and this is where I don't want to goof it up. I honestly would appreciate your thoughts.

The Story of the Blue Shoe

When Grandma Hope was alive, there was a whimsical little game with the Blue Shoe. At that time here was only one special Blue Shoe and when it was spied at some one's house, it would be whisked away. One of the rules was that it had to be visible and not hidden so a person could actually swipe it.

This went on for years mostly with Grandma Hope and my sisters. The game has changed a bit over the years and now there seems to be extra Blue Shoes with a dash of mystery involved. Perhaps you will be instrumental in restoring some of the original magic into this tradition for generations to come.

You had at one time asked about the shoe. Now I would like you to have one and now that you know the connection with Grandma Hope, I hope it will be special for you.

Love you,
Maw Maw D

Dan's Darn Dilemma

Hi Sisters -

Catchy title, right? Cute picture, right?

Dan found out that beginning in January he will have no more unemployment. Even though the bill that everyone has been watching and talking about passed, it didn't incude people called "99ers" - i think because that's when they lost their jobs and there a ton of them. He knew it would come to an but really hope he could keep it for a while longer - trying to closer to 62 so he can do his social security.

For the guy who wants to take care of everyone, I think this is hitting him hard. sometimes I wish he would go out and get a job - some sort of job - but I most certainly agree that I would not want to be out there among all the unemployed - lots of them very young with much more to offer and STILL not getting jobs. I think he's afraid too to go knocking on doors. He has some money squirreled away for retirement but I hate to see him dipping into it just yet.

Now, I on the other hand, know that it will all work out. It does break my heart though seeing him in a bit of a panic.

I just realized that it's time to walk out the door for a birthday party - yikes, lost track of time. would love your take on all this and maybe, if anyone cares, I'll add a bit later.

Love you girls.

Searcher

Blue Shoes Make Me Blue

I was looking on Facebook this evening and I saw a cute Birthday picture of Winter with a big jar of pickles next to her. It made me feel good inside. I remembered her pawpaw said she loved pickles! Studying the photo, I noticed a blue shoe in the background and suddenly my mood turned to dispair. They are everywhere now!

Maybe one or some of my sisters think this is a funny joke, but I am very distraught at the thought of our silly little game being disrupted by imposters. It will never be the same for me.

I know, Diane you could care less and that's ok with me. Maybe I should have taken on your attitude toward the blue shoe, but I loved that shoe. Now it is lost amongst the fakes and it's future is gone forever.

I have been true blue to you blue shoe...

Crazy People

http://contact.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ShowAllQuestions&ShowASQAlways=1&frm=284&iid=150533136274&ssPageName=PageAskSellerQuestion_VI&redirect=0&requested=nebulousthread

People are indeed crazy.

I listed my beloved Janome embroidery machine on eBay. It is a wonderful machine. It has taken me over two months to gather all of the accessories and documentation, which I have been pretty meticulous about.

Angie took lovely pictures and I scanned all documentation, books, disks, etc.
I wrote the description as clearly and genuinely as I could. I have not seen a listing presented as thoroughly as I tried to do. lol

There are good questioners and I do like an opportunity to answer concerns. But don't you know I had my fair share of crackpots as far as I can tell. It boggles the mind, even mine.

I guess it is my turn to lose my cool and hop on thr magical ride in the Wambulance. LOL

They are crawling out of the woodwork. One just asked me (I just briefly read it) that since she will be in Mason, Ohio tomorrow, will I end the bidding early so she can give it as a Christmas gift. After all, she as made the most bids so far and she really wants it. Now who should I just give it to?

Portals

The mysterious portals we are presented with daily can confound us or intrigue us. Bob says it is a matter of perception. So true. We can choose how we react to good and bad news.

What keeps me going? Some days I wonder why I keep doing the things I do. Am I making sensible choices? Should I open that door and would a peek inside reveal brilliant illumination or would I be peering into a murky dark room full of doubt and second guesses?

After this week of fatigue I still feel I made the right decision to have this treatment. I go again on January 3. I feel good about this decision.

Even though I was worn out, I accomplished several things a day. That always helps to feel progress in the right direction.

Again I find myself wondering why I put the fleeting thoughts of my feeble narcotic infested brain out there to cause people to scratch their own heads and wonder about me. Maybe I am narcissistic.

What is Wrong with People

Earl just read something to me from the newspaper that said someone set fire to the outside mailboxes at the Post Office in Havelock, Newport and Morehead City last night and the fire department had to come and put them out. And...guess who mailed my water bill and AT&T bill yesterday morning in the outside box that was set on fire? Things haven't been going very smoothly for me the past few days. I am not really whining - just stating the facts maam. The article said to contact the post office to see whether our mail was burned up or not.

Then there is the issue with my new iPhone 4 that I have spent about 2 hours or more the past few days trying to determine why the phone part is not working correctly. I think it is resolved, but it is terribly frustrating dealing with tech people and having to give the same info over and over. I even know my serial number by heart now. Guess that is what you have to deal with if you love gadgets.

Do you have enough snow yet? When I spoke to Gordon last night he said it was snowing and a good bit and expecting more. It is rather cold here for us, but no snow. It is supposed to be 16 degrees tonight with some howling winds. I know, I know...that is nothing compared to what you have.

Saturday night was the first night of Candlelight at the Tryon Palace. This year I was in Barney's Coffee House where we served hot cider, coffee and ginger snaps. Well, it rained from 5-9 and we were all soggy - especially the gingersnaps. It amazed me so many people come out for the festivities when it is raining so hard. Of course a lot of it is indoors, but still walking from one place to another people could get really wet.

I received a Christmas card from our cousin Barbara. An excerpt from her short message "The most surprising thing was to find out Virginia Whitesell passed and we are her heirs. How is your family? We are fine. Bill and his wife Gina both lost their jobs in the last couple months." That was it. Every year she always tells me something bad that happened to her or their family. A big difference than the 2 page Christmas letter with all the wonderful accomplishments of one of our friends that moved away. It goes on ad nauseam of their travels, children's awards and accomplishments and wonderful sights they have seen. Am I callous? Maybe...but not impressed or jealous. Honest...lol

I should be addressing Christmas cards. If you don't get one from me please do not be offended. I am only sending cards to the friends of Earl's he wanted me to send to.

So little of interesting things in this post. See that is why I haven't posted more. I love you sisters and wish I could be there with all of you.

Keep On The Sunny Side

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dIcb9xWnr8s

How things can turn sour. And sweeten back up.

Yesterday I mentioned I would like a donut. Bob said it would not do me much good. Suddenly I fell sullen and found myself staring into the deepest ugliest pit full of pestilence and frightening beings and horrible sounds full of the stuff only Art Bell would have understood.

It was no longer about a donut. It was about choices or the lack thereof. I realized that I have few choices that am in control of.

It did not seem right that someone I know could decide to stop at Wendy's or Fritches or Bob Evans or lord forbid White Castle and CHOOSE from any item on the menu.

Now what I've been through this week played a big part in how I reacted to all of this.
Today I woke back up in my comfy little place and realized that indeed I do have plenty of choices. I simply wrote donut on the grocery list and I will see what happens. Will there be a nice fresh glazed donut or a passive aggressive chocolate or maple? Ugh

Don't worry about me. I am over it and back in my happy place.
I am listening to Chronicals of Narnia. OMG, so good.

Update: He went from Stringtown Road to the Old World Bakkery to get me a bismark. They only had chocolate. He did it out of love not malice. He got three. Lol

Happy Susie Day

I know it's not your birthday (yet) or any other memorable date but I've been thinking about you and what you have been through lately. I've also been thinking of you and how you are free from those terrible cigarettes and how that is something to really celebrate. I bet you thought you'd never completely kick them, did you? You may have had that hospital stay for the final nudge but it is a wonderful thing that you are no longer addicted!!!! Yippeee for Susie! I hope you are feeling stronger, better, sexier, peppier and really groovey! Love you, baby sister - and, as usual, my other wonderful sisters!

Live and Let Live

Skeptical scrutiny is the means, in both science and religion, by which deep thoughts can be winnowed from deep nonsense.
Carl Sagan

I am often asked my religious preference by hospital staff. Typically I say I have none. I live by what I feel in my soul which I believe I have. I don't know what business it is to anyone who does not really know me.

I do believe in angels or some kind of etherial beings but they are not hooked up with heaven or god or whoever. Maybe they are ghosts. Maybe Mom is one of my angels. I am sure she is.

Lately I think I have decided that my religious preference is Live and Let Live, however, there is no checkbox for that. I will add my own. Oh well.

Still Kicking Butt

Shhh

I will tell you a secret. I found someone else. I still love Bob deeply and unpardonably.

Yet I find myself in a fantastical fun fest with Kylie, (who does not apologize for his girlie name) the technician who has no qualms about being silly and enjoying the moment. This is our second encounter and we picked up where we left off in July. Am I a silly ass joking cougar? Do not make it smarmy. There is none of that.

He kayaks and climbs trees and all sorts of stuff. He told me to tell Duane about Rattlesnake Creek somewhere down south. He is looking for a good German pizza which has kraut , sausage and corned beef on it. Eeew! ugh

He gave me an OSU scrub that didn't fit his chubby head. Too cute on me.

I have never encountered the likes of him and he may have this easy charm and wit for each of his charges. I hope so because that would only enhance the healing.

I don't know that every one would get him but he certainly does not try to be funny. I hope his wife loves and cherishes the good stuff he has.

Anyway, I am wiped out. Just want to sleep but I make myself do something productive each time I wake up. Like this. Don't know if it makes sense and I really cannot see to proof read. sorry

Gordon brought over yummy pot pie yesterday.

done

love you all

Great quote

Hello my sweet sisters! I heard this wonderful quote today and it reminded me so much of you, Diane. Here it is......"....she stood in the storm and when the wind did not blow her away - and it surely has not - she adjusted her sails..."
Thank you for your inspiriation, your optimism, your stubborness to be you and everything that is warm and fuzzy about you. I love you sweetie! And you other girlies, too, of course.

Ever Optimistic

I didn't realize the steroids had taken over until I downloaded this picture. Ugh

Like I've said, sometimes I have more enthusiasm and optimism than common sense.

Going to the hospital tomorrow feels like is the right thing to do. I did my research and it isn't scary to me, so I go in tomorrow at 7:30 am.

I did not dig in to what the side effects will be but I did not want to set myself up for that. I will deal with whatever comes along.

Not sure why I wrote this. Just to let you know what's on my mind I guess. I will try to keep you posted.

Whoever reads this, know I love you.

Maddy's Party

Maddy doesn't like people singing, but what are you going to do to get those candles blown out? Pandora blew from across the table like a laser beam and all was well.

Maddy must be one of the most animated and verbal three year olds I know. She is her own person without guile or apology.
How do children from the same family turn out to be so utterly different?

Last week Ally confided in me that she loves to hang out downstairs by herself. It is peaceful and quiet....And then The Beast comes down. LOL

Chrissy has decorated their house for the holidays in such a fun and festive spirit. I am so glad we went.

The rooms were cluttered with multiple conversations and lots of laughter. It is fun to see the interactions between Pandora, Winter, Ally and Maddy. I am glad I was there to soak it all in and breath in a renewed sense of purpose. It's all about family and renewal.

Every one of us is a fiddler on the roof, trying to scratch out a pleasant, simple tune without breaking his neck.”

Well, we watched Fiddler on the Roof tonight and it got me thinking about that fiddler and I wondered what the symbolism is. I must have missed the quote above in the movie. I love, love, love this classic. I really like the music, the TRADITION and all the characters. The song, Sunrise Sunset has always been a favorite and it makes me think about Sarah, Aiden, you guys and your kids.

It's late now so this is short.

Hope you'll all keep playing your simple pleasant tunes and continue balancing like the skilled and tough fiddlers that we all are!

I love you girls and miss you all.

The Fiddling Searcher

Be OK

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vpMI8Qu5fsc

I was so stunned at the series of health events with the sisters this week that I came to a stall.

Well Lori is supposedly okay but I can't see her or touch her to know for sure if she is fully functional, though that certainly seems to be the case.

When Liz had her scary moments in the hospital, I realized this is not right. I can only joke about my own pitiful condition. I worry and fret over my sisters breakdowns. I guess I have a heart.

Now Susie. We must patch you up good as new. When we all feel good at the same time this spring, let's stop talking about it and all go on a retreat at a state lodge or something. Sorry no camping for me.

Then there is Chrissy S. who deals with one of the most complicated (to me) auto immune diseases, juggling meds, kids, house, etc.

And Chrissy A. with her two surgeries in a week and her root canal from hell. And the difficult decisions to make about treatment.

This makes it challenging for me to be cavelier about health issues when they belong to someone else.

Where is the purposefulness and authenticity in this life, if we don't design it?

Thanksgiving Reflections

Like the many Facebook posts and bloggers I too have so very much to be thankful for - a husband who loves me most of the time, two great sons, sisters who understand my ups and downs and allows to me whine occasionally, good health for the number of birthdays I have had and on and on.

As I was rattling on about thankfulness I heard an email alert and looked and saw it was from Liz about Susie being in the hospital with diverticulitis and going to surgery. How frightening! What is happening to us sisters? I don't want to be part of this hospitalization society you have going on so don't ask me to join you. Please let me know what is going on when you find out.

Well, my reflections have pretty much flown out the window with the news of Susie. There wasn't any reflections of turkey and dressing because we had meatloaf and it wasn't even made with ground turkey. We decided to paint the bedroom over the next few days. Yesterday we primed the walls and painted the crown molding. I should be in there painting right now. Earl played golf this morning so he will be home soon ready to go again. I will say he gets going and will keep going till it gets done. Me? I am a bit less determined than he is.

Please keep me posted on Susie. I love you all.

Happy Thanksgiving Family!

I decided to add a post and a pic before I read all your other recent posts. It's been quite a week and I truly am thankful for a day of reflection. I look at these pictures of us - I bet they could be 'at least' 20 years ago. I'm so thankful for our lives and our history. Sure, we all have regrets about not doing this or that but, for the most part, we are a pretty solid group! No family fueds (many a bit to do with Jim) like many families have.

Thanksgiving always makes me start that silly emotional holiday thing. Expectations make me lose my common sense sometime - usually starts today and lasts until New Years. Not making any promises to do any drastic changes but just try to be aware of it. Whatever happened last year and the years before will probablyhappen this year - nothing worse. I'm not upset as I write, just reflective. And, reminded that it's another wonderful day to be alive!

Dan asked me if we used to have a big family Thanksgivings (fueling my expectations and longings) and, as I have said to him so many times, life changes all the time and people's lives go in all kinds of directions - kids have their own kids, families divorce bringing more people into obligatory get togethrs - more complications, more grandchildren, more things to juggle

What would I like at Thanksgiving? I would LOVE for all us to be together in one noisey house, being silly, making fruit salad, dressing, arguing over who is the favorite and having all those kiddies, dogs and additions running around. I only say that because for me that would be ideal but I do know that that is not practical or gonna happen. The feelings that I do have in my heart are ones of love, comfort and peace. I also know how special the times are when we do all get together and any day can be "thanksgiving day." I am amazed at all that has come our way in the past 20+ years and how we can still laugh and cry and hug and be more open and, most importantly, THANKFUL for what we have as sisters. I am sooooooooo thankful for you girls.

Being in the hospital and getting your worried calls and texts meant so much to me. I know you all care about me but there was something special about how you all reached out and I felt so loved.

Yep, we're getting old girlies. It's amazing, isn't it - and sometimes scary (rarely) thinking about things/hearts, hearing, etc. failing us. I feel certain that we will always have our wacky senses of humor and that will take us a long, long way. I want to go down laughing and being stupid!

Lots of love to all of you.

Gobble Gobble Gobble

Words

I listened to a great short story by Neil Gaimen. He is one of my favorite authors. In it a character told about people who spend their words as if they were gold coins. It really spoke to me but I scatter my words around as if they were pieces of dung.

I keep thinking about it, but don't know if I could pull it off. He also mentioned fouling the air with curses and threats. Sounds more like me. I will work on that.

I am also reading The Graveyard Story by him.

Here is a link to the short story. Now you will really know how strange I am.

http://www.fiftytwostories.com/?p=1338

Sisters

Sisters is probably the most competitive relationship within the family, but once the sisters are grown, it becomes the strongest relationship. ~Margaret Mead

Liz, you have been on my mind all day and I am feeling a bit introspective. I am so glad you took care and went to the care center. You are in good hands.

Update - I had a voice mail from Liz that everything checked out okay with no blockages and a good strong heart. We all knew that.

I am so grateful for my sisters. The years have brought us closer and it has been a comfort to me to know you are all nearby in body and spirit ready to help whenever and however you can.We have been through a lot together and I cannot express to you how thankful I am that we lack the drama and angst that many siblings impose on each other.

Evermore I will love you all.

48 Years?

How did all those years go by so quickly? When I woke yesterday I found an anniversary card on the table with the words Loretta Maye. I was surprised because our anniversary is today rather than yesterday. Except...Earl thought it was yesterday. We both got a chuckle out of that. The older we get the more muddled things become in our minds. Probably not a good sign. So...since he thought it was our anniversary yesterday we decided to celebrate it by going to the Olive Garden for dinner. We had the most delightful young woman as our waitress. We didn't tell her it was our anniversary, but she treated us as if we were celebrating something.

Where do all those years go? It seems like yesterday we stood before that judge in Jacksonville, Florida and said "I Do". Little did we know at the time what we were agreeing to do for years and years. The many good times diminish the not so good times many times over. Lately there seems to be an increased tenderness and consideration for one another. Difference of opinions are forgotten quickly. I guess what I am feebly trying to express is we seem to be having a mature honeymoon period. I am going to work at it to make it last.

Ok...new subject....Lizzie, I hope you have gotten a clean bill of health and are home from the hospital. Please let us know what is going on.

It was good talking to all my sisters yesterday. We should do it more often.

I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving. It is my favorite holiday when I can be with my family so this year it isn't so favorite for me. I love you all.

Clutter

Now this is a most boring entry, but it makes me feel good. And isn't that what it's all about? I may lose all of my faithful readership as people fall off into deep bouts of slumber.

For the last couple of months I have been cleaning out drawers, cupboards and closets. I have come across so much clutter. I thought I was on top of things for the most part, but you would be amazed at how many plastic grocery bags of garbage left the house with Bob taking over half of it to the recycling bins at the fire station during this time.

I had old outdated spices that I had long forgotten about. The fridge was a black hole of ancient condiments, catsup packets, tartar and soy sauce. I used them up and now our fridge looks bare but it has just what we need and we love it. No edible purgatory here. Leftovers get eaten in a matter of days or they are out of here.

The hall pantry also had a huge overhaul. Sometimes it felt so good to free up some space, I would go through them again in a few days to see if I missed anything.

As I muddle through the sewing closet though, I wonder what would possibly compel me to hang on to odd bits of batting and tiny colorful scraps of fabric. Some teeny little square inch polka dot cotton morsels I just could not toss away. What is up with that?

I have struggled for years trying to be simple and tidy. I guess that closet has been my dirty little secret. At least one of them.

Somehow I have been trying to relate the physical clutter in my house to the mental clutter in my brain and am having a hard time sorting it out. I do know that as I free up physical spaces, my mind is more at ease. Am I overanalyzing this? (Steroids may have some contributing factors here..lol)

How do you feel about all this meaningless obsession with clutter?

Wildlights

Tonight Jimmy, Chrissy, Ally and Maddy came over and wisked me off to the zoo. Jim took the girls in the Blazer while Chrissy and I rode in the little red pumpkin shaped Beetle. I think our gabbing along talking all kinds of crazy talk helped us get there in about ten minutes.

It was a bit crowded but every one was spread out and happy and moving along. Jimmy pushed me around mostly appropriately while trying to embarrass me (which is hard to do when you left your dignity at home in the pocket of another pair of pants). Chrissy strolled the girls in and out of the busy throngs like a a woman on a mission. Ally and Maddy's faces were aglow with wonder and awe. Mine with windburn.

The animals all seemed to be fired up for a great performance, kind of like the Madagascar movei. We saw the polar bears, tigers curled up together sleeping next to the viewing glass, a ton of beautiful tropical fish shark and manatees, some very amorous and unusually active manatees, elepants and of course the reptile house. I wonder what they think of all the lights.

The lights were amazing. I was literally bleary eyed (narcotic stupor) trying to take it all in. I would love to know how that monumental project unfolds to display this unbelievable ligh show. How many people and bucket trucks work for how many days and weeks to get it set up and take down. And where do they store this stuff? Is it a tangled mess up in a loft like ours?

It was so much fun to go out in the real world. Thanks for taking me.....

Quirky Doctors

I have had some wonderful doctors during the last eleven years of treatment. In the last month I have had a couple of unusual characters. I also have a psychologist who might be stalking me. More on that later.

Recently I had scheduled on a day when my regular kind and caring doctor was not in because I am attempting to control my own health care schedule by ignoring their recommended weekly appointments and going when it suits my whims.

I was seen by a doctor that I had not heard of before. I didn't think it was a biggy. Go with the flow. I had a flash of mixed signals when I saw him. He was a small trim white haired older gentleman dressed sharply in all crisp black with a subdued silver chain around his neck. He walked in with what appeared to be a confident smile and it seems now that I recall, he shook my hand and Liz's hand a little more often than necessary. He looked at my foot with great interest and started to scrape on it and I thought I might be going to die. The pain was intense and when it was over and I had recovered, I informed him it had never hurt so intensely before. He smiled that sweet but now creepy smile and said in a voice that came softly from somewhere in my head, "I am the first one to do it right."

He will never see or touch my pretty foot again.

For two nights in a row I have had to do some major wound care work to stop the bleeding and to clean up what looked like a morbid massacre scene on the bedroom floor. Not an easy task scooting around in a wheelchair pushig a water soaked paper towel Rube Goldberg style with my old lady grabber. Get the picture?

As I did this dirty work, I recalled where I had seen that soft demeanor and creepy eerie smile from the past. Anthony Hopkins as Hannibal Lector in Silence of the Lambs. Did I hear him slurping as he shook our hands gently, smiling slyly as he sauntered out the door?

Perception

It feels as though I am living on the edge of perception, partially due to the concoction of medications I consume, and partially due to the uncertain mystique of the disease. Not one of us really knows what our future holds so there is no need for me or anyone else to be dramatic about this mystery.

A few people have asked me to share the story of my "journey" and it seems overwhelming at times. The story changes daily or it stalls for a week or so and is not so interesting for most of the part.

My goal is to fill each day with some fun, usefulness, lots of love and to hold my family near and dear. Isn't that what we should all be doing?

Thank you to my wonderful husband, kids and sisters for all of your help and support. I am feeling pretty good and very optimistc these days and I plan to be around for a long while.

It has been a struggle to get over not being able to do all that I have in the past. I have come to terms with it and try to accept all of your kind offers. I am a Hope girl though and more headstrong than I realized. I perform the most menial tasks that take me a ridiculous amount of time yet I feel triumphant when I do.

I hope to be consistent here, but that is not my strong point. Really?

More exciting posts to follow so consider yourselves warned.

Love you all.

Celebrating Diane's Brain!

Hey sisters. I can't tell you how wonderful it was to hear Diane's perky and cheerful voice on the phone this morning - after being "under the knife" for so long yesterday. We were all so worried and concerned and to have this behind us is such a relief. (One hundred fold for you, Diane, I'm certain.) I'm amazed at your 'can-do' additude and your strength and determination. I'm really very proud of you. I know there have been many dark moments for you and that it certainly hasn't been easy. Keep strong Sissy - and let us help in whatever little ways we can. None of it is out of pity; it's just because we care and want to make your load a little lighter.

Lots of love to each of you. You are all extremely important to me and my well being!

Happy Birthday America

So tell me girls...how are you celebrating our country's birthday? Bells, whistles, fireworks? We will go to the fireworks tonight, but today I don't know what we are going to do. Barb arrived yesterday afternoon and is still sleeping at 8:30 and so is Earl. I have been awake for hours trying to be quiet so the sleepers can slumber on. I am unable to sleep to late anymore. Must be a sign of old age.

This time next week I might be in Ohio. Barb hasn't told me for sure whether she is going to ride to Ohio with me or not, but she seems to be leaning that way.

There are a lot of activities going on around the area. There is a Croaker Festival in Oriental with a parade that Miss Croaker will ride in. Who doesn't want to see a parade honoring a fish I wouldn't want to eat? I would like to go just to see if Miss Croaker lives up to her name.

In New Bern there is a picnic the Tryon Palace is sponsoring depicting an 1830 time period picnic. There will be costumes and period games. I helped make the bonnets in the costume shop that the ladies will be wearing.

In Beaufort there is an Arts and Crafts thingy the Historical Society has every year. A lot of local artists. Beautiful pictures, but very pricey.

Then there are fireworks in Havelock, New Bern, Morehead City, Altantic Beach and Beaufort. So what do you think we should do? Earl has already said he would go to the fireworks, but nothing else during the day. We might just go to the beach with the thousands of other people that will be there.

I hear one of the sleepers moving around so bye for now. Have a fun 4th of July!

Update...maybe

I talked to Barb a little while ago. She is coming this Saturday and was planning on going back on the 10th. I ask her if she would like to ride back to Columbus with me on the 10th instead of flying. She said she would talk to Tim about it. Of course she couldn't get any type of refund on her return trip, but she said she would still think about it. If she doesn't ride back with me I will probably come on the 12th.

Tonight Earl and I were talking about something and I was trying to explain a point but couldn't think of the word I wanted to say and he said I better not use a word that wasn't in his vocabulary or he wouldn't understand it. He said when he explained something he might not use big words, but eventually he would get the message across with a lot of little words. Then he said he could probably write a book except it would be very thick from all the little words it would take for him to tell the story. The way he said all that was very funny. I guess you would have had to be there to get the full effect of his expressions. Lately, since he has shaved his little beard off and with his shaved head he looks so much like a turtle. He really does. Sometimes I can't help but chuckle and then he wants to know what I am laughing about. I just say I can't help it because he makes me smile. But he does look like a turtle especially when he wears his green tee shirt.

Liz, I too have been looking at some of the other blogs where it says next blog. Some of them are quite interesting. Much more creative than what I have to say.

Your 70 degree weather sounded like heaven to me. Today our temperatures dropped some below 90 degrees thank goodness. We have had afternoon or evening thunderstorms every day.

When I start talking about the weather you know I have run out of things to talk about for now. That is all for me tonight. Love you girls.

Missing you all

Earl has gone to bed to read and I have been wasting time looking around on the internet. Where does the time go when I sit down for just a few minutes and before long a whole hour is gone.



I actually did post something yesterday, but it showed up after yours Lizzie because I started it before yours, but saved it and then added to it. Nothing of much interest in it I doubt.



I am missing each and everyone of you a bunch this evening. I wish we could just all have a silly conference call. I think I can do that with my phone. Just have to figure out how to do it and when we would all be available.

Well, I have just contributed another nothing blog.

Love you

Everything is going South.... and not to NC

I don't want to brag or make anybody jealous,

but I can still fit into the earrings

I wore in high school.

Hi Sisters! Just a quick note to let you know that I was repulsed by the person looking back at me in that big mirror this morning as I exited from the shower. It reminded me of Mom and one of the times I was there with someone - maybe Diane - and we were cleaning her up and helping her 'flip' over from one side to the other and her boobs and belly fat just kind of swooshed around with her - sort of mid-flip, I think! She wasn't even fat at that point but all that stuff that had gone south - when it was full of fat but now just skin - was almost a weapon to be used against her children. That is what's happening to me!

I can't chat longer right now - good for you, right? It's been a crazy wild week and one with drama from difficult people I have to work with - just like high school. I really am ready for a weekend.

Can other people really read this? I was shocked when I noticed at the top of the main blog page there is a button that says 'next' and you can read all kinds of blogs. Yikes, now that's scary - someone please figure that out because I think we could all be committed (at least me) for all the crazy things we say. And, I bet they don't allow you to have a computer in the 'institution' either.

I love you girls and I so wish the 4 of us could just sit down and talk about lots of different things.

Lizzie

Hot as Hades

Phew! I just got back from walking a little while ago and am still not cooled off. It should be against the law of nature to be so hot so early in the morning.


I don't particularly have much of anything to say, but thought I would at least put something on here. Now that I have sat down, I haven't a clue what to talk about. I think I have Blog Block. It is something like Writer's Block.


My trip to El Paso was alright. The best part was being able to spend some time with our cousin Nancy. She and her husband Billy Dee are so gracious. I spent one night with them. They live up in the mountains and from their patio it is so beautiful looking out over El Paso and Mexico. It seems no matter where you go the only people that work in restaurants and stores are Mexican. They are all very pleasant.

The bowling part stunk and I am glad I have decided not to go to the national tournament anymore. Too many personalities to deal with and too much money spent just to say I went to the national tournament. The two women I traveled with were fun. We played cards and Yatzee (sp?) the whole time we were on the plane so it made the time go by pretty quickly.

June 28, 2010

I started this last Monday thinking I would get back to it, but never did. And what happened during that week? I don't know. Can't rememeber. Is that a bad sign? Actually I do remember, but doesn't seem like it would be very interesting to anyone else. Does anyone else have any real news?

I have pretty much decided I am going to drive to Ohio when I come. I will probably leave here Monday or Tuesday- 12th or 13th and stay about a week in Ohio or until you are all sick of me. Earl will be glad for some peace and quiet in the house after having Barb here all week. He will want a break from silly women. Barb is coming this Saturday.

Sorry this isn't more interesting. Please someone supply more fodder to this blog. Earl is up now so he will take over the computer.

Love you all my little sisters.

Interesting News

Hi Girlies! I have news that should be joyous (and it is, of course) but the mother in me knows it will be a BIG deal in the long run. Sarah and Paul are expecting. Now isn't that good news?! Of course, I immediately am taken back to June 3, 2005 when little Aiden was born - really the two weeks before and all the trips to the hospital and all the drama that went with it - no needles, no blood draws during pre-natal stuff, all the fears and tears and DRAMA! It was a very stressful time for everyone. Of course, the result is this beautiful little boy we have today - the real reward.

Supposedly Sarah knows the concerns and, obviously, she still has all those fears. She said she is starting to counseling this next week to help her deal with it all. I'm happy for her and Paul because they say this is what they want.

She is only a little over a month along and goes to the clinic doc (of course, they have no insurance) this Wednesday for confirmation and then she'll go sign up for Medicaid.

I want to be over-the-top happy and I'm ashamed saying these things and feeling this way.

Please don't share my words with anyone just yet.

That's all for now. Hope you all are doing well and life is being good to you today.

Lots of love,
Lizzie

Surprise!

(Notice Lori on the phone - I think I have abotu 10 pictures on the phone - she was frantically trying to find her little boy Troy. I'll share more as we go along.)

The only surprise here is that one of us is actually writting here! If you girls are like me, I check every day or so to see if there is anything going on and am always disappointed that there isn't.

What's going on with everyone?

I'm on my lunch hour and doing some surfing, with the heating pad on my back. This darn back problem has been hanging around for quite a while this time. My friend at work gave me some muscle relaxers and I'm going home and 'relax.'

The bathroom project is coming along nicely - even if it's a little slow. Hopefully, by the end of next week it will be finished. The cabinet we ordered was damaged in shipment so we have to start all over with that part.

Virginia's estate is starting to have a little bit of activity. The farm appraised at $118,000. I was a bit surprised - thought it might be a little more. I believe it will get auctioned (rather than given to a realtor). The heir search people have made their report to the attorney, he has to file it and then the Court will determine the distribution. Still will take months, I'm sure.

We took the RV to Deer Creek this past Sunday. Baby steps. There is so much crap one has to know about the water, the pump, the generator, the leveling system, the frig, the lp gas thingy. We were going to go for the weekend this coming Friday but decided to try to get some projects finished at the house and study a little more. It will be fun when we take a real trip. Baby steps.

We have a new foster doggy - Lance. He is just so sweet but he barks a lot. He also slobbers EVERYWHERE. He may have a nasal problem because the other day he came in from a walk and had this H U G E string of S N O T hanging from his nostril - about 8" worth, I'm sure. YUCK! (I tried to get that above picture to be right here but couldn't figure out how to do that - does anyone know?)
Dan and I worked at the Memorial Tournament and had the most fun making sandwiches. We were at a table with 4 brothers doing their "brothers weekend" so you know that got my wheels turning. I told them we Sisters would challenge them to a sandwich making contest next year and they were all for it! Of course, I don't even remember their names now though. They were mature at the same level as us girls - which was not at all.
I love you girls and hope we can keep this up again for a little while.
Talk to me!
Lizzie

Hello Out There

So...I was wondering what was going on with everyone. Please share.

I will bore you a bit with things in my every day wanderings.

Today I had a profitable day at the Mah Jongg table. I won $1.01. That was approx. $.16 per hour. Actually, if I figure in what the cost of the yummy lunch I had my purse is $2.00 lighter. We play at Sue's house and she fixes lunch and we pay her between two and three dollars. Today it was baked chicken thighs and pasta salad. Very good.

The weather has been nice here as it has there I guess. Earl and I went on a motorcycle ride to Beaufort on Saturday. That is the first time I have ridden my motorcycle for quite awhile. It has been in the shop and then Earl had to put the training wheels back on it. There are a couple people that are maybe interested in buying it. Then I think I will just ride on the back of Earl's bike. In motorcycle talk that is called "packing" and believe me when I am on the back he is definitely packing. Whew! I better slow down the eating.

Sunday I volunteered for a special event in the evening at the Tryon Palace. I was in the cellar as Mrs. Hatch, Governor Tryon's housekeeper. That was fun. People kept wanting to look in my bedchamber. The nerve of them.

Then last night there was another special event for the North Carolina magazine Our State and about 40 people came through taking pictures. I was Martha, a laundress. Will they every let me in the Palace upstairs??? Sunday night one of the visitors tried to adjust the blinds in the council chamber in the palace so he could see the fireworks when they started and the blind fell. That caused quite a commotion.

One more day at the Palace on Thursday for School groups. I will be out on the lawn playing Boules...something like Bocce Ball. I have had about enough of the TP this week.

Barb and Tim are coming to NC for just 2 nights this week. They will get here Thursday night and leave Saturday morning on their way to Savanah. Earl and I keep talking about going to Savanah, but it has just been talk.

I made our reservations to come to Ohio for the 13th - 16th. We will get there on Thursday and leave on Sunday. Gordon got us good rates at the Couryard Columbus Easton Marriott. Bobbie and Troy are going to stay there too, but don't think they will get there till the 14th. They are going to Savanah after they go to Alabama. Troy has the whole month of May off. They were going to come here, but since we will see them in Ohio I don't think they will. It would be nice if we could have a big family get together so Bobbie could meet all of us crazies at one time.

I got a haircut yesterday and it looks like she put a bowl on my head and cut it. Earl could have done that for me. My regular girl was on vacation and I thought I couldn't wait any longer. I should have thought longer on it.

I am sure there are numerous other things to talk about, but I will give your eyes a rest for now, if you haven't already gone to sleep.

Love you all.

Happy Birthday Mom

We miss you, love you bunches!

Happy Birthday Mom

You know, lately I have been thinking of you so much - of the sacrifices you made for us, the wonderful food you cooked for us and your sweet uncomplaining spirit. I often even see you when I look in the mirror. Now, don't take this the wrong way, but I am beginning to get round like you too. I think us girls should have saved some of your flowered shirts and polyester pants. I could wear them when I go to the track or play bingo.

Last night there was a show on TV called Undercover Boss and the undercover boss was the CEO of Churchill Downs who went and worked in some of the entry level jobs there to see if there were ways they could improve how the operation was run. I thought to myself if you would have been there in your working days they would have found an employee who was dedicated and passionate about what you did and the very best in customer service.

Well, you know I have been thinking of you and understand when I don't, but this morning you are definitely in my prayers, thoughts and heart. I love you.

Happy Birthday Mom!

Hugs

I sure do miss our momma... especially today. Wish she could give me one of those big ole melt in her arms hug. I could really use one now.

Lots going on here, Rick is moving into a foster group home and we have tons of stuff to do to get him in. We both have some mixed feelings about all this but he seems to really want to move there. Hope it's the right thing. The couple who runs the home is very nice and helpful, they have 10 other men with various conditions. Rick should get along fine with them.

We are still planning to go to Beaufort in April. Randy took the 24th thru the 30th off. I know for sure we will be staying at the Sheraton at Atlantic Beach on the 26th. That is our anniversary. We would love to get together with you and Earl, Lori. Just let me know a good time.

We put the lake house up for sale this past weekend, anyone interested in a fantastic deal? Randy is selling it for 20% below the tax assesment.

Hope everyone is doing good, keep smiling!

Love you all

March 1st?

How did March get here already? It feels like Christmas was just a few weeks ago. Of course you snowbound people in Ohio are probably looking for any sign of Spring. We are too really. I think this has been the coldest winter in many years. Our electric bills reflect that too.


I am looking forward to seeing you all in May. I am excited that Troy and Bobbie are going to come for the Race for the Cure. Maybe you could check and see about tee shirts Lizzie. If everyone showed up in our families there would be a small army.

My brain isn't coming up with anything to talk about so that's it for now.

It's Only Words

The other day when I spoke to Liz on the phone I realized I had a bit of a bad attitude. I also realized it matched up to day 11 of my previous chemo cycle when I spouted off at Bob about us running out of things to say and blah blah blah.

Well, as it turned out the next day things went back to our comfy normal and I realized we still have stuff to say.

This morning in an email to Lori I wrote that I realize that Bob just doesn't have it in him after all these years to constantly feed my need for hearing lovely words. Instead he shows me daily in all the little things he does for me without complaint or eyerolling. I wrote that I know he loves me deeply, and I know I am needy from time to time. I have to dig deep inside of me and know that all those things I want to hear from him are being said to me in a silent whisper in every little thing he does for me. I am sure there are millions of women out there wanting to hear the things I want to hear and missing that they are being said in the day to day actions of the ones they love. I realize that means more to me than words What do you think?







We are all in different stages and we all have different desires and hopes for our relationships with our honeys. Do you guys ever think about this kind of stuff or does it seem like I dwell on it a bit much?

Just Checking In

I just caught up on the blogs and comments. I was going to comment on a few, but after my last episode of commenting and losing it all I decided to just comment by blogging.


I am feeling puny today for some reason. It started last night and I went to bed at 8:30 and didn't wake up until 6:30. I would have thought I should have slept off whatever it was, but the puniness still lingers. Normally I go to Mass and take Communion to folks today, but I went back to bed for a couple more hours. Finally I got up showered and am at least looking better I think, but then the mirror lies. Sometimes when I look into it an 80 year old woman that sure resembles Mom is looking back at me - especially if I look when my teeth are soaking in their solution. Can that be right?? Anyway, I just wanted to whine a wee bit. If I would whine to Earl he would simply tell me to go to the doctor. So compassionate. What I would really like to hear is "Oh darling, I am sorry. I won't play golf today and stay with you. What can I do to make you feel better? Rub your feet? Make you chicken soup? Clean the house?" Right...that will happen!! Not that I would want it to happen except maybe clean the house and rub my feet, although my feet don't hurt.


Lizzie, there is way too much snow growing on your deck. Our snow is gone now and the sun is shining, but not extremely warm. Might be up to 60 this weekend though.


As far as the eye thing and vitreous stuff the same thing happened to me. Now I have a floater in my right eye that looks like a big fly that occasionally I can see when I look as something that is white or in the sunshine. I heard the same thing about the age...blah, blah, blah, but when you start seeing flashes of light or prisms you should go right away. I did have a torn retina one time when that happened and had to have laser surgery to repair it. Some of this stuff that comes with "age" is challenging to deal with.

Like you Susie, I don't know what I would do about the sister in Mexico, but somehow I can't see any of you doing anything you would have to flee from the law. And.....if I was sent to prison I would enjoy meeting all those tough women and learning their stories. LOL...not really, but that is what you would all expect of me, isn't it?


By the way, can anyone else read our blogs...like strangers? I definitely don't want Earl reading them, but I am not so sure about other people. Could Gordon or someone else just look up our names and read the blogs or would they have to know the name of our blog?

I don't watch American Idol or the Biggest Loser. I have seen both a couple times. I am becoming a candidate of the Biggest Loser. Today is Ash Wednesday and for Lent I am going to try to give up eating between meals and give up the junk food. Of course I might just eat more of the other stuff so watch for me on the Biggest Loser. I think I am too old for that though. I could be a heart attack risk or get a broken hip from stumbling and falling on those runs they do.

I think I will try to make myself do something constructive instead of laying back down. Love you girls

A Sister's Love....... or stupidity. What would you do?

"A Grove City woman accused of lying to investigators about her fugitive sister remained in jail yesterday after waiving a federal-court hearing to challenge her detention."

This is a headline in today's Dispatch. The one sister - a very succussful mortgage banker from Dublin - bilked a whole bunch of people and was sentenced to prison. Then she went missing and is believed to be somewhere in Mexico. She and her sister in GC have been emailing and the GC sister got caught and is in jail. I've been trying to think this through. If I bilked a bunch of people for whatever reason and ran away so I wouldn't have to go to jail and told my sisters, and especially my GC sister, where I am but made them promise not to tell, would I allow Diane to go to jail for me? Maybe there is some deep dark secret only Diane and I know about that would make it disastrous if I went to jail, like.........hmmmm..........like, well maybe the mafia threatened me if I came forward they would take out all my family.....hmmmm . Would I let Diane take the rap? How would I feel if Diane were sitting in jail because of me? Would I come home. In the first place, how could I have left my family, my children and grandchildren, especially my mother (which she has all of these). Is it all about money?

What do you sisters think?

Bellyachin' about snow

Hi sisters - just thought I'd add a note about the love-hate relationship me and snow is having. On one hand, it is so pretty and pure and fluffy and all and then on the other hand it such a pain in the butt! I'm adding a picture of that infamous table on our back porch to show the continual growing of the stuff. I'm afraid it will overtake the entire area and seep under the door and come into the bedroom to get me! I truly hate being this cold and I need some really hot weather right now. HOT!

On another note, I've been having weird things happening with my eyes and, honestly, it was freaking me out! Yesterday I could hardly focus on anything - all these prism-type things and blurriness, accompanied by bunches of floaters. So today I called the doc and they had me come right in - that in itself was scary (not scarry). Anyway, for the most part, the vitreous is pulling away from ..... something - retina, maybe which happens to be a natural occurrence when, as the doc who looks like she might be 13 says something like..... 'when women your age....blah, blah, blah.....Anyway, it's a natural happening that begins at about age 15 where this big jello-like blob starts pulling away and when it does causes these particles to float around and can cause tears. They checked everything out thoroughly and see no real harm. I'm just an overachiever in the pulling away area, I guess. It did scare (and scar) me though. As it turned out, I'm just fine and I'm happy about that.

Well, it's almost time for me to watch Biggest Loser and American Idol - frantically switch back and forth from one to the other. Well, not really. I'm pretty bored with all the drama of Biggest Loser - those losers. I just like to watch when they get on the scale. Sadistic, right?! I love AI now that Ellen is on there. She just cracks me up. I think as our next Sisters trip we should go to her show - whatdayathink?

I'm all used up for today - signing off for now.

Lizzie, The Searcher.

Journals, Relationships, Falling Down and such

You girls have filled this deteriorating brain to the max with all these thoughts, poems, etc. Reading your words help me feel a part of your lives when you are so far away. Sometimes I lament about being almost 700 miles away and think - if I was in Ohio....but if I was would I be doing anything differently? I would be involved in the activities I enjoy, you all would be involved with working and your grandchildren and we would most likely just call one another like we do now and sharing our innermost thoughts on the blog. Saying our thoughts out loud somehow seem more frightening than writing them. Does that make sense?

Journals - yes, I have been writing in my journals for at least 45 years, but.....i threw all of them away, except the past couple years. Actually, they were for my eyes only. I read some snippets before throwing them away. That is all I could bear to read about "poor" me in many of the pages. If I was struck by lightning, hit by a bus (we don't have buses) or was visited by some other calamity I would not want my family to read the diatribe that I wasted good ink on. I have progressed beyond that self pity (most of the time) and horrible things I wrote about people, and yes, even my husband. I don't write those things down anymore. I just let them fester and boil in the recesses of my soul and then I put them in my coffee can and bury them in the back yard until the worms crawl in and eat them up. Perhaps it would be healthier to at least write them down, but really, what good would be accomplished by letting some of those ugly thoughts loose. They are better buried in the coffee can.

I think the poem you included is a good model for husband and wife alike. I might print that out and hang it on the refrigerator.

I loved reading about the man that has been keeping a journal since he was a boy. Now, those journals are definitely worth preserving. A wonderful history of his life and the many events that have occurred in his lifetime. I usually journal in the morning, but often I don't remember some of the things that have happened the previous day or am feeling the same way about them after a night of dreams. I am going to try to write at night at least about the people that have come into my life during the day and what effect they had on me and I on them.

And no, I don't want Earl to have access to the blog. If you decide to share the blog with your guys please let me know so I can be on guard. I wouldn't want to do any male bashing and offend your sweet guys. Occasionally if one of you write something funny I will copy just that selection and print it for Earl to read.

Happy Valentine's Day girls. Earl and I hung out together today after I got home from Church and watched NASCAR, bowling and the Olympics interchangeably, if you know what I mean. I was going to cook supper and Earl said he thought it was a good night to go out to the new Chinese restaurant that just opened. Would I say no to that? No. Cooking probably ranks about equally with me as cleaning the toilet. I will do most anything rather than cook. The frozen food department at the commissary is my favorite section. Especially the frozen pizzas and ice cream. No wonder my pants are splitting at the seams.

Well, I fell down again today. The car windows were all frozen up this morning so I had to scrape the ice off before I could go to Church. As I was getting into the car I slipped on some ice in the driveway and bam was on the ground. Diane, I felt like you because I couldn't get up. Those old knees won't work from the down position. I had to turn over and crawl away from the ice so I would have some dry driveway to be able to stand up. It was pretty early so I doubt any neighbors were watching except may Jeanette (the neighbor that hates me for some reason). She was probably laughing her ass off if she caught a glimpse of me flailing around try to get up.

This morning our temperature was the same as yours. What is up with that.

I liked your poem too Lizzie. Very cute. Did you write that?

Some of these thoughts are most likely disjointed, but you will just have to consider the source. I love you each very, very much.

Lori

Journals

First off, I want to ask a question. Does anyone's honey enjoy reading our blog? Just wondering?

I am torn about the journals I have here. I do not want them in the house when I am gone. I don't want anyone to read them. They are not like that nice man's journal. I am afraid to open them myself. I came across a batch of journals I wrote maybe 15 years ago when I was into that. They were when Angie was going through adolescence and teenhood. Ugh!

I was going through my own set of emotionalal gyrations. I wrote feverishly in the middle of the night. One day I will look at them, but I really don't think they will be around for other peering eyes when I am gone.

I do like the idea that man had though. I have started writing snippets of the good things of life in my planner. I have many many wonderful moments to share and pass on. The bad stuff can just dissappear. Who needs that?

Liz, I bet all of that stuff you are coming across of Virginia's must make you feel funny. I don't save a lot of receipts or minutia. But some things I save might leave people scratching their heads and wondering. I too, have my medical records from when I gave birth to Angie, I think. Most of it is organized and boxed up. What the heck do I need to keep that stuff aruond for? I may start going through that stuff and letting it go. How long should a person keep medical records? I never ever go back and look at the EOBs unless it is in the last couple months to document something.

Well, that's all I have to say about this subject for now. But, that old man sure did get me to thinking. And so did you.

Its Winter in Ohio

Got this out of the Dispatch this morning.....John Switzer's column.

It's winter in Ohio
And gentle breezes blow
70 mph at 25 below!
Oh, how I love Ohio
When the snow's up to your butt;
You take a breath of winter air,
And your nose is frozen shut.
Yes, the weather here is wonderful,
I guess I'll hang around.
I could never leave Ohio,
'Cause I'm frozen to the ground.

Journals of a True Life

Oh My is correct on the email you sent of the old dude and all thos journals! Wow, I wish I would have done that. I bet you girls have journals. I have one - only one - that I started to Sarah when she was born and I haven't written in it in so so many years. This motivates me to get back to it.

It's funny that you sent this just now. Again, I've been going through Virginia's crap. Just this morning I went through a small box of miscellaneous 'stuff' that covers years and subjects and it always makes me sad just to throw it away. But, who would want those greeting cards from Jim and Nancy, that family hokey newsletter sent at Christmas from a distant friend going on and on and about Joey and Sally, Grandma and Aunt Bessie and all the things they accomplished and places they went in that particular last year. Then what about those Big Bear receipts - in just a few short years no one will even know that you could have bought groceries at a store with a strange name like Big Bear. There are pictures and obituaries (always finding lots and lots of obituaries - how did some of these people enter her life). There are announcements from the society section of the old newspapers. There are lots of church bulletins and notes from church friends. There are also lots of notes about which bank had the best rates for CDs and what was happening with Ohio "Ma" Bell. There are probably 100 postcards and many of them from Lake Erie - some from a lake in Michigan - always the person is having a great time and wishes the receiver was there. What about those dozens and dozens of pictures of smiling - and some hateful depressed looking - people with no notes on the back to give you the slightest hint of who they were and how did they know Virginia.

Since Virginia died on December 25, 2009 and I started ransacking the boxes and boxes of her life, I have been wondering what people would wonder about me as they go through drawers, old papers, my computer and my one lonely little journal, my medical records from 15+ years ago, my job evaluations and my job application from Crane Plastics where I started as a receptionist making $64.00 a week. Does make me wonder - not that I care since I'll be out of here but............... I'm not really sure what the but is! I don't regret all of my life - just little pieces at little bits of time - certainly nothing major. I've thrown out TONS of my own stuff since December 25 - getting rid of the evidence, I guess! Hahahahaha.
After the above rambling, I'm thinking a journal going forward, with remembrances of the past, might be a noble project.
Thanks for all the nudges, Sisters.

For My Valentine

Funny, being cooped up with someone that you have known and loved for 40 years, you seem to syncronize your movements and become part of the atmosphere. There are moments of touch and go and doubt. After 40 years and an unforgiving snowstorm, can a very much in love couple run out of words to say? That is what I thought a few days ago. I spewed out my thoughts and caught my love off guard. He was speechless. I took his silence as an agreement that he had indeed fallen out of love with me on that very day.

So I left the house to run my errands and I lingered at each stop and enjoyed the civility of the strangers. I watched people intereact, or not. I noticed that many couples out in the real world interact differently than we do. I realized that when I am out in the world with my guy, we are together. We enjoy each other's company. We do exchange ideas and dreams we still want to see come true. Mainly, they involve our family. What we are going to do to help them and what we are going to do to make them always feel welcome at our home.

I stopped at Chipotle, my favorite place in the world besides Jolly Pirate (which I should have stopped there too). I had my Burrito Bowl and a diet soda and read a newsletter from the quilt shop. I savored my food because usually I take it home and it is cold. I am going to do that once a week or more now. MMMMMmmm.

When I went home, the air was full of some kind of sticky funky uncertain static. I expected a big ravaging hug and a long laborious diatribe of sappy love talk. I can't really think of the words I want to express what I was EXPECTING. Imagine my dismay when all of that did not happen as I had thought. So, I busied myself for another hour or so giving this certain someone another chance. Ain't I accomodating?

Anyway, after an hour or so I went in an plopped myself on the couch waiting for the beautiful words to come that would fill my soul with the love of the ages. After a few minutes of Bill O'Reilly, an episode of the Cheaters, and solving a couple mysterious killings on 48 hours, I decided that it was up to me. So I commented on the guy sitting alone in the interrogation room that the detectives were watching through a peephole and wondering what he was doing slumped over in his chair. He was chewing on an electrical cord apparently attempting suicide. For some reason I thought it was hilarious. And I laughed out loud. Then he laughed out loud. Then I realized it was indeed up to me. So I let it all go. I followed his lead and acted as if I had not said all those ridiculous things earlier in the day and that I must have been a mad woman driven to insanity by the ridiculousness of the whole 40 years and a snow storm theory.

Things have been back to normal ever since. It is amazing how much the mood of the house depends on the woman, in my opinion. Is it fair? I don't know. But, at least in my house, that is the way it is. I think that is the way I set it up from day one. I think, and really I am pretty sure, I learned that thing from our own dear mother! Ta Dah!!!!

I was really not going to write anything at all. I was just going to post a poem that I read a couple minutes ago that was in one of the blogs I subscribe to. That was it. Just the poem. A woman said she went to her parents house and the mother had planned a poetry reading. The father had dug up a book his mother gave him when he was eight. Here is the selection and it hit me between the eyes like a ton of bricks or something else just as heavy. I am going to bed now, but here it is. This is for me and my Valentine. Perfect.

ANY WIFE OR HUSBAND
by Carol Haynes
Let us be guests in one another's house
With deferential "No" and courteous "Yes;"
Let us take care to hide our foolish moods
Behind a certain show of cheerfulness.

Let us avoid all sullen silences;
We should find fresh and sprightly things to say;
I must be fearful lest you find me dull,
And you must dread to bore me any way.

Let us knock gently at each other's heart,
Glad of a chance to look within -- and yet
Let us remember that to force one's way
Is the unpardoned breach of etiquette.

So shall I be hostess -- you, the host --
Until all need for entertainment ends;
We shall be lovers when the last door shuts,But better still -- we shall be friends.

Scattered Brain Cells

Ok - my brain is falling apart in little bitsy pieces and it's scaring me way much. The things I have been doing remind me of things that Jackie did when she started. It all involves putting things where they don't belong. First of all, after coming back from the grocery and putting away the groceries, the very next day I realized that someone (me thinking it was Dan) had left a grocery bag full of yogurts in the pantry. I never thought it was me who would do that because Dan is always putting things away in the bags - like the cat food bag full in the cupboard. Then not long after that Sarah and Paul were over and we were playing cards and Dan asked where the pretzels were. I had just put a bunch of groceries away - ones that he had shopped for. I kept insisting that I had not seen pretzel and that I would remember if I had seen them. I went to the frig to get something and, lo and behold, there was a bag of pretzels! Of course, I still haven't lived that one down. Last night Dan came in the living room and asked if there was a reason I put the bag of spinach in the pantry! Of course, I said, YES, there was a reason and left it at that! There are other instances but I can remember them. (Yikes again.) I burned the mashed potatoes because I forgot to turn the stove off and went off into my lalalala world to do something and realized it when this funky burnt potato smell went wafting throughout the house.

Jackie used to put the eggs away under the sink, put her hair curlers in a plastic dish in the frig, wrap her false teeth in a sock and put them in her dresser drawer (be careful sisters), etc., etc., etc.

Scary stuff.

Dan and went to get our hairs cut together - at the same time - it was fun and it was cute. I'm sure when we left the little girls who work there said "Ain't they cute together." We also went to Virginia's to check on things and feed the wild cats of the neighborhood just like Virginia. Ain't we cute?!

Dan is making cookies, I'm on the computer and life is doing just fine. I do worry about my brain. I think I'll Google brain excercises when I'm finished here.

By the way, yesterday I ran into an old high school friend and I couldn't believe how old and worn out she looked. Again, scary stuff.

I will soon be 62. I really don't like getting older - makes me realize that before long I'll have to quit acting so stupid - no more drinking too much and dancing and acting silly, right?! Belting out the Rolling Stones songs at work - with my headphones on - just doesn't seem like the thing a 62 year old should do. One the executives told me she was going to be 50 next week and was lamenting about that and I said I was going to be 62 and I felt this little voice telling me I shouldn't tell people how OLD I am getting - especially at work - especially at a company where everyone looks like they are 12 and the cafeteria is like walking into a high school cafeteria anywhere. They may have to fire me. Of course, I will sue them.

Ok, getting a little crazy here so I think I'll go do something more senior, like making banana bread.

I love you girls! Wish we hang out when I'm feeling weird like this. Dan certainly has no idea how to handle me or what to say or what to think. He's probably just thinking..... ok, if I just ignore her, don't make eye contact, she'll be back to normal soon. Ha!

Love and kisses.
The Searcher