Alright, the things I have been thinking about might seem a bit morbid and some silly, but I want to clarify that I am not depressed so don't go calling Earl and telling him I need counseling or a need to start checking out the local "homes" for me. I am no different than usual. Well, that might not necessarily be a good thing. At any rate I have been thinking of what the future might have in store for me. I haven't actually been dwelling on it, but lately I have been getting glimpses of what it could be like by things that have happened to me and observing friends my age.
To be continued...
As you may have guessed, Earl decided to get up and cook breakfast. While I was doing the dishes a golfing buddy of Earl's called and said he had a 10 o'clock tee time. Yes! At least four more hours of quiet. No TV, projects I don't want to do with the man or anything else. Pure me time and you know it is all about me.
Back to my ponderings and thoughts of what the future may bring.
So, did the Rapture happen and we were all left behind to sink into the abyss at some point? I enjoyed Gordon's silliness about it all. He often cracks me up with his sense of humor. I called and left him a message yesterday, but he didn't return my call. Maybe he was taken up with all the other rapturous people. Do you think he has been going to Church on the side and not telling his old mother?
Do you ever think of what it will be like to die? Does it frighten you? I am not afraid, but I wonder how I would feel when I knew it was inevitable. The hours I sat with Diane when she could not communicate except with her eyes and her tears I would wonder what was going through her mind. Was she reliving her life like a movie or wondering what life would be like for Bob, her children and grandchildren, her sisters and friends after she slipped off into death? I can't even say the hereafter because it truly is an unknown. I know what I want to believe and most of the time do, but still no one knows for sure. Even if she could have answered those questions for me I doubt she would have as she was the keeper of many of her private feelings.
Geez, I shouldn't have started down this road. Really, I am just wondering and not terribly upset or depressed or any bad thing. One of the women I play Mah Jongg with my age who has had a recurrence of her cancer has been given a prognosis of a possible 1-4 years life expectancy. She has a very unhappy home life with little support from family. Very sad. What would I do with that diagnosis? I think it is important not to wait for such news, but to try to do the things we enjoy now and not put off because there will be a better time so here are some of the things I am going to do now - love Earl, Gordon and Troy, my sisters and their families unconditionally, live without worry of what others think of me or my shenanigans, laugh at myself for some of these foolish things I say and do, appreciate something about each person that comes into my life and look for only the positive in each person. Now that sounds pretty lofty, huh? Some of it very difficult to do too. Well, it is and I think I am going to have to print out that part of this post and tape it to my mirror so it will be the first thing I see in the morning and the last thing at night to see how I have done. I would give you a report later, but might not have much to report.
In the meantime, I am missing you two. It was wonderful being with you all last weekend and wish we could spend more time together. I love you. Now off to the sewing room and then to my book The Lincoln Lawyer.
Please chime in soon when you can.
Again, much love and cyber hugs.
Lori
I’ll have to admit that I was a little jealous with your dilemma about what to do with that little snatch of time. Things will be winding down for us soon and I hope to have some time on my hands.
ReplyDeleteI don’t think the things you have been thinking about are morbid especially since I’ve been thinking the same things. I, too, have thought more of death, how it will be, what it will be, why it will be…will I be afraid……As you point out, there are no answers and we only need to do the best we can right now.I do still feel like I should be doing something with my life – to make a difference.
I only wish I would have actually talked to Diane more during the last month or so – when she could communicate. She said something to me - one of the last times she was able to talk - that has stuck with me. She said I shouldn’t be so afraid of saying things. And I didn’t ask her what she meant! I know I was always aware of her not wanting to share personal things and I respected that but maybe that was her giving me permission to ask things? So now, I’m going to ask more questions of people – realize it’s okay to politely ask. Not like Dan, of course, but if I have a burning desire to know something, I will ask.
Speaking of Dan, I do wish he weren’t so curious about EVERYTHING. He could stand to tone it down and I do know that there are family members who don’t like him at all and talk badly about him – which breaks my heart terribly. He is the most generous person I have ever known and he truly cares about people. I feel how strongly he loves me every day.I’m ashamed of myself when we are all together and I’m on edge about what he might say to someone–I’m always nudging him or trying to keep him from continuing. I forget my role…. I’m not his mother- I cannot control him or his comments and I shouldn’t worry so about them. This all comes to mind right now because of some recent conversations we’ve had.He loves all of my family and I think he thinks the feeling is mutual. We were talking about retiring somewhere with a decent climate and he said how cool it would be to live near Lori and Earl or when we’ve been driving on the 270 outer belt near Angie and Duane’s he’ll say something about trying to get together with them sometime and what a nice couple they are. Wow, that’s a rambling paragraph, I know. I’ve wanted to say it for a while and the new me is hell bent on saying and being more honest and open but without hurting feelings. If I love him, and I do very much, then for that very reason I shouldn’t worry about changing him or making him conform to what I think is better behavior or worry about how others perceive him.
Now, on to the Rapture! I think in my lifetime I’ve heard several people claim that this would happen on one day or another. Gordon and I spoke also about this. He cracked me up but I do think he is spending a lot of time thinking about it (reminds me of the nervous Gordo who checked the locks on the doors over and over). I do know that he’s still walking on this earth because I saw him yesterday at the flower store – which was right next to the Rally for Reilly event.
Speaking of the Rally – it was such a huge success and we were able to raise a ton of money. The turnout was wonderful – never too crowded – just enough people all day long. There were so many fabulous items donated. I had a bit too much to drink and I was part of the entertainment! I danced, I laughed, I had a blast. There was a trip to Hawaii that was donated and Dan bid on it and we are on our way there some time in the near future!!! There were a bunch of people from my work-those people have been so good to me this year–and even the buyers of our house came and one guy who came to our garage sale showed up.I know it sounds like a pity party (and it is not) but I wish some of my family could have made it.I can’t wait to hear just how much was raised.
PART 2 - I ran out of room up there!
ReplyDeleteI too am missing my sisters and when I look at some of the pictures when there were 5 siblings -now there are 3, it tugs at my heart and makes me want to work hard on keeping this relationship so special.
love youins!
Arghhhhh! This is the third time at attempting to comment now. I keep losing my post! How frustrating.
ReplyDeleteAlthough we haven't been blogging much we have all been having alot of the same thoughts and concerns about death. I don't think it's morbid or out of the norm for the situation. Diane's passing has really put a whammy on us. I too wonder what was going through her head the last few days and how would I cope if it were me. Now I know how people feel when they say " it's just not fair". I just don't see any justification there...
Boy do I wish we could have a girls week-end soon. We really need one now more than ever.
Liz, I think you worry too much about what other people think about or how they take Dan. He has been a part of our family for quite awhile now and everyone should know him by now. You can't make people behave a certain way for everyone to like them nor can you make everyone like someone. Does that make sense? Anyway...who cares? As long as you love him and he loves you too. (which is quite evident) So just F!#@ the Haters!!! (I've always wanted to say that. LOL)
I personally love Danny Boy to death! If he steps on my toes, I just let him know. No biggie, enough said.
I am soooo sorry that we didn't make the rally. I was on FB one day and hid a bunch of apps and stuff and accidently hid the rally. Well, I haven't quite figured out how to unhide shit from there so... out of sight out of mind. We went camping last weekend and when I came home and checked FB I'd seen that you had posted something about the rally but it was too late then. Again, I am sorry we missed it.
Wow Hawaii? I am jelous now!
I really really really miss you guys and want to just hang out!
Love you two!