That is a very simple statement, isn't it. I've been replaying that in my head since last week. I was on the treadmill in the fitness center here at work and the only tv choice I had was the one with Dr. Drew (who I'm starting to really like) and he was dealing with someone who had a drug/alchol problem. The guy kept making excuses - his parents did not do or give him this, his friends didn't keep their word, his girlfried didn't undstand him, his father hated him, etc., etc., etc. So Dr. Drew said that simple statement to the guy (and to me).
It immediately caused the light bulb to come on in my head. Sarah and I have been dealing with what I think is some big time drama. (The baby is ok, Aiden is ok, she and Paul are ok so it isn't that kind of stuff.) It is the painful familiar to me and Sarah type of 'stuff.' It involves lies and deceit and me being in the middle of this drama - with other people involved. So when good old Dr.Drew said this simple statement (one that could easily have been missed by the average viewer) it reminded me that Sarah is probably never going to do what I expect her to do - it's my expectation - not hers. Duh, Liz. The stubborn control freak in me doesn't help either. My concern for doing the right thing, always being honest and transparent is just that - mine.
I know (as you all have witnessed), I've spent a lot of years trying to MAKE Sarah do what I expect. I'd like to think I was right but wish that somewhere along the line I would have realized that life doesn't work that way.
Sarah and I have made lots of progress lately. I've seen a new maturity in her the last couple of years and I'm working hard on not being in her face about the things that I expect of her.
I wish I could share the drama -not that it is the important thing here - but it would help you understand why it is painful. It certainly isn't the end of the world and not one that would make me desert her. It does make me want to pull back though and not do anything with or for her.
But.......... back to the expectation reminder.
Thanks sisters, I just needed to get this off my chest even though it's a bit disjointed. Dan is ok to talk to about this but he sure doesn't 'get it' like the sisters.
Sending love and hugs,
The Searcher
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This blog is such a wonderful tool to get things off ones chest - big and little chests. I am glad you shared even if the drama was not completely shared. I think we all want our spouses, partners, children, friends and complete strangers to do what we want and expect them to do. As we all know life doesn't happen that way. I think it is very difficult at times to step back and realize we cannot change another person's behavior or how they think. I wish I could be there for you just to listen and understand. I know you have struggled to have Sarah be honest and do the right thing since she has been a young child. As much as we want our children to do as we do or have the characteristics we have it is just impossible to transfer those things to our children. We can be examples, but if they choose not to follow there is not much we can do about it. They must make their own way and live with the consequences of their own actions. We simply cannot protect them from themselves or their choices. You can take solace in that you have always been a good model even if Sarah has not always followed your advice and example.
ReplyDeleteI agree that it is a great post Liz. I do not completely understand the drama part you are speaking of, but I know I had plenty of it when raising our kids. I often felt like a fraud when you praised my methods. I was flying by the seat of my pants every day. Making dire mistakes, saying hurtful things that I regret to this day wishing I could take back.
ReplyDeleteYou have been an inspiration to me and the words you wrote above cause me to ponder how to better my own relationships with my kids and family.