Another Alison Krauss - I wrote this in the middle of last night.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rp-xgWjHu90
Again I question my decisions concerning my treatment. I cannot trust my judgement. I am soaking up resources and incurring huge expenses, not only for us in deductibles and other incidentals, but the insurance company also. Do they wonder how I can keep going.
What I don't know is how my family really feels about it. Of course who can figure this out?
I teeter between high lucidity and deep bouts of fuzzy thinking. I attribute it to when I am sleep depraved and medication. But over I am not functioning normally.
Is this quality of life? Though I cannot imagine giving up. Should I?
I think of Bob. This has been a tough year. He never complains and keeps trudging along never taking shortcuts and doing what he does with great care. Would he be able to finally relax if I just let nature take it's course? I know he would miss me and be lonely.
I cannot bring myself to speak of this regarding our kids and the grandkids. And of course my dear sisters. Sorry, I do whine and complain to you sisters.
I am not afraid. I do not fear the hospital stays or the treatments. I guess I fear making the wrong decisions about how this all affects my loved ones.
This is not meant to be morbid. Just thinking out loud.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Again, thank you for sharing your thoughts. I often wonder how you feel about your disease and what keeps you going with the great attitude you put out there for your family and friends. We have had a few conversations on the edge of this subject on my visits, but I have had the feeling you weren't sure I wanted to hear all that you felt or that I could handle it. Perhaps I am wrong. It happens when you try to read other people's minds. I am sure not good at it.
ReplyDeleteDiane, you are so precious to me and your words are hard to hear at times, but I hope you never hold back in expressing how you think and feel. Please don't ever give up. Your determination to continue to fight is an inspiration to me. It is a reminder that I should never complain about the small discomforts and disappointments I experience in my life.
How and what does your family think? Now that would be a very difficult conversation to have on both sides. You are so wise that I believe you could find the right words to express what you feel, but they might want to hear them. That is something only you can decide.
I didn't think your post was morbid - just honest. I too am thinking out loud in my comments.
I love you.
Well, I just typed a very deep meaningful comment and right at the very end, I accidently logged off! Yikes!
ReplyDeleteDiane, I really want to shout at the top of my voice on the highest hill - please don't give up. You are not morbid. You are an inspiration. You mean so much to all of us and you are not any type of burden; no way, no how.
Keep writing!
I love you all!
Giving up is not an option. That is not what I meant to convey. But how to choose to do the right thing by everyone including myself. The will to live overrides the decicion making right now. I hear that you just know when that time is. I don't think I will ever be able to make that one as long as my family is around. It may be ten to twenty years before the so called decision is made. I cannot find my crystal ball. Must be with the blue shoe.
ReplyDeleteLove you ladies.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteOh my, I am having a hard time posting this!
ReplyDeleteAnyhoo I found this nice song and hope you all like it...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_P-0b7PPsyE&feature=related
Love the song, Susie! You(or Randy) should listen to his song about "Whoop Somebody's Ass..." I think I'll hummmmm it tomorrow!
ReplyDeleteHug, kisses and lots of sisterly loven coming to all of you.
I couldn't get the link to work? Wah
ReplyDeleteI got it. I like that!
ReplyDelete