Warning: After typing this post, I realized I was merely downloading or brainstorming with myself. It is not intended to cause extreme weariness. Skip this one if you are at work or about to drive a car or operate heavy machinery. Maybe you should just skip it anyway. lol
I have been given another reprieve. The scans were stable. The thyroid biopsy was negative for cancer. I am happy, yet there is a small nagging squeaky voice in the back of my mind challenging me as to what I am going to do with this information. My previous posts and comments got me to wondering if I have not been too passive.
You would think that a person in my situation would not be so passive about my health. You would think that I would raise the gauntlet and make my mark in the sand and dare cancer to cross it. In my own manner, I have. I do not openly declare war with my enemies. I am passive aggressive.
I really do not live in La La Land, and I don't wear rose colored glasses. And I certainly don't have the most positive and wonderful attitude that people seem to think that I have. I am an optimist, for sure. At times I wish I could raise my fist and curse cancer and then become obsessed with its obliteration. I wish I could wage a terrible war against it. Cancer cells are like snipers that don't play fair. You think you are healthy and immortal because you have to be. It catches you off guard and makes you realize just how vulnerable you are. If middle age doesn't diminish you, cancer will take a stab at it.
Well, I have this trait that I don't know how to describe and I don't know how to analyze it, but for the most part I think it is good. It might cause me to miss some important issues and make some bad judgment calls, but I may not know it because by then I have moved on.
I have often thought that I am missing a chunk of my brain, or perhaps I fell on the part of my brain that causes worry and fretting. When presented with an important bit of information that must be dealt with, I immediately process it into something I can do something about, or something beyond my control. It has to be pressing information with a pretty definite deadline for me to truly kick in and make these decisions. Otherwise they get put on the back burner and more important things move to the top. That could mean that Bob's birthday dinner might be more important than a thyroid biopsy or something like that. Eventually everything important moves to the top so I know I will deal with it when I have to.
I think what I am trying to say to myself in this post is that it is time to move my gripe with cancer to the top of the list. I know there is plenty I can do to improve my health and there are things I can do to tune up my immune system. It will be a challenge since the good scan results could make me complacent and mellow in the short run. However, I am in it for the long run.
If you read all of this, you are a saint.
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Wow! Great news on the scans
ReplyDeleteFirst off, no weariness here and I read the entire thing.
I'm amazed at what I think are strong and stable things about you that somehow you think they are in some way weaknesses (unless I read that wrong). The fact that you can separate what you can and cannot control and not make yourself crazy with worry has always been your strength - one that I admire, too. If it's LaLa Land - we should all live there. BTW, how would you answer the small nagging sqeaky voice?
Haven't you already raised the gauntlet, been fighting the creep cancer - yes you have! I suppose as survivors we could be doing a whole lot more to fight the fight -help others - do more for the cause. Of course, a good tune up to the immune system and the whole system would be a good positive thing too.
Thanks for sharing you thoughts and feelings Di. I often wonder about what you must really be feeling and how you 'really' are dealing with all this. Your posts remind me of exactly what I've felt for a long time. You are strong, passive and/or aggressive (when you need to be one or the other-which I think is a great thing), a down to earth common sense kind of gal. If part of your brain is missing, then I wish someone would remove that very part of mine.
If you feel you must - then get a grip girlie!
I love you!
As I read through your blog I realized that we all have human tendencies to put the really stressful important issues on the back burner for fear of the reality that is apparent. As strong as I percieve you to be, I know that no one is immune to worry. We can put less important things ahead of what should be our priorities but that only causes more pain that nags at us when we are idle. I too am guilty of sugar coating or looking through the world with rose colored glasses. But all the worries and concerns are still there. I personally think it's just fine to be optomistic how ever you come about achieving it as long as you are not living in a dreamworld and can confront the issues at hand. You do. I can see that you definately live in the real world espescially as you describe your thoughts. I know that I am not a saint nor do I have the knowledge to analyize I am just putting my two cents in. You are my saint. I've always respected how you deal with your family your health and life in general. You go girl!
ReplyDeleteI love you to pieces!
Your warning at the beginning of the post was no more than a challenge to read it. I am about to drive, but what the heck. I love danger. The dangerous part was I had just applied makeup (thank goodness for waterproof stuff) and yours and my other sisters comments touched such a tender place within me that of course the silly tears leak out. Now I understand old people blubbering. I am there myself.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing, Diane. I often wonder what is going on in that cute head of yours and just how you handle the week after week of challenges you face with your cancer and still plan birthday parties, outings with your grandchildren, work and all the many other things you do. As you might have guessed by now we truly are so proud of how you deal with it all.
I am so happy for all your good news. Stable scans are good. This does mean some more vacation time from chemo, doesn't it?
Your post was wonderful. It should be published in one of those magazines that are in the oncology waiting rooms. Of course everyone deals with their cancers differently, but your words could spark something in someone who doesn't feel like they have hope. Think about it. The clarity of your feelings could encourge others.
Searcher and Susie responded so beautifully to your post. They expressed in words many of my feelings, especially the concern and love for you.
Keep up the good fight!
Love,
Lori
Gee, thanks you guys for responding so positively. Maybe I do have a skewed view of my own traits. Anyhow, thanks for being there.
ReplyDeleteAnd besides, it isn't all about me. You guys are the awesomest sisters anyone could have. I am lucky and blessed to have you.
ReplyDeleteLove you all!