Sad news

Dan just called me this morning and, after last nights MRI, they are certain there is brain damage. They are waiting now for neurogoly team to meet with them. As you can imagine, the news is devastating to everyone.

Here is what happened. Ashley had taken Reilly on the 4-wheeler and they had just left the house. Reilly was in his seat belt on the seat next to her. She got out and walked toward the back of the 4-wheeler to adjust something and in that split second, he reached over and started messing with the control and the 4-wheeler started rolling. She saw him do it and was rushing back to the driver's seat. Ashley grabbed onto the bumper and tried and tried to stop it but wasn't able to, of course. There was a little ravine and the front wheel went in that and caused it to tip. Obviously, Ashley (and Sean), but especially Ashley is a total wreck. It's such a tragedy and the whole family is shaken to the core. Dan and his ex, along with the other kids are there and that seems to be helping.

As we all know, life can change in a flash - and it has.

I love you my sweet sisters.

Telling Stories

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nvN4cWE7Urs



Diane stirred up some lost memories inside me with her post on Facebook about telling stories. The photo above is around the time I was the biggest liar ever. It's around the time I started public school.


My teacher asked the class what everyone did for Easter vacation and I proudly raised my hand and told the classroom that our family traveled back home to Hawaii for a visit with our grandmother there and we may be moving back after the school year ended. I was an instant hit with the kids! All the questions and excitement from them only fueled ideas for more stories.


An example of a few:

Dad owned the cab company and mom was a nurse.

Lori was an actress.

I traveled with Nanny to far away places and so on...



The one that broke my back was when I told the teacher "it's my birthday tomorrow" (when it wasn't). The next day she had a party for me in class. All the kids made me a birthday card and sang to me. The only thing I could think of at the time was OMG what am I going to do with all of these birthday cards? I can't take them home! But, I did. I snuck them into my room and looked over them and cried. That is what broke me.

Sing

I remember when I was in the second grade at Saint Mary's, my teacher was Sister Agnes Claire. She was probably the kindest and best teacher I ever have had. Iwill never forget her.

In contrast, when I was honored to be in the children's choir, the director Sister Theresa noticed I may have musical potential and blessed me with private lessons.

She was small, thin and quite intense. I was painfully shy and she frightened me as I stood next to her trembling while she pounded (tortured) the piano keys with her bony fingers.

My stomach ached so that I barely could barely breathe. Suddenly she slammed her hands down and through tightly clenched tiny teeth sternly demanded I project my voice.

I became hopelessly mute. She gave up in exasperation and sent me away after only ten minutes of lesson. Fine, I was relieved to be free of this most unwelcome obligation.

When she saw me after that in the hall or playground, she would display a look of pity mingled with disdain. Perhaps Sister Theresa meant well. That I will never know or dwell on though I will not forget her either.


We all have our bumps in the road and it would be foolish to think it should be a frivoulos carefree existence all the time. Otherwise how would we know the difference?

Over time I realized that before confidence is carelessly scared away at a young age, everyone can naturally sing. I learned mostly from the grandkids that we can be silly and foolish, do the Maw Maw dance, embarrass our kids, have fun and do what we want to do with optimism and humor.

It is our choice as to how we will react to the piper. For the most part I choose a happy tune whenever it seems to fit the moment.

You can't make people do what YOU (or me, us, etc.) 'expect' them to do

That is a very simple statement, isn't it. I've been replaying that in my head since last week. I was on the treadmill in the fitness center here at work and the only tv choice I had was the one with Dr. Drew (who I'm starting to really like) and he was dealing with someone who had a drug/alchol problem. The guy kept making excuses - his parents did not do or give him this, his friends didn't keep their word, his girlfried didn't undstand him, his father hated him, etc., etc., etc. So Dr. Drew said that simple statement to the guy (and to me).
It immediately caused the light bulb to come on in my head. Sarah and I have been dealing with what I think is some big time drama. (The baby is ok, Aiden is ok, she and Paul are ok so it isn't that kind of stuff.) It is the painful familiar to me and Sarah type of 'stuff.' It involves lies and deceit and me being in the middle of this drama - with other people involved. So when good old Dr.Drew said this simple statement (one that could easily have been missed by the average viewer) it reminded me that Sarah is probably never going to do what I expect her to do - it's my expectation - not hers. Duh, Liz. The stubborn control freak in me doesn't help either. My concern for doing the right thing, always being honest and transparent is just that - mine.
I know (as you all have witnessed), I've spent a lot of years trying to MAKE Sarah do what I expect. I'd like to think I was right but wish that somewhere along the line I would have realized that life doesn't work that way.
Sarah and I have made lots of progress lately. I've seen a new maturity in her the last couple of years and I'm working hard on not being in her face about the things that I expect of her.
I wish I could share the drama -not that it is the important thing here - but it would help you understand why it is painful. It certainly isn't the end of the world and not one that would make me desert her. It does make me want to pull back though and not do anything with or for her.
But.......... back to the expectation reminder.
Thanks sisters, I just needed to get this off my chest even though it's a bit disjointed. Dan is ok to talk to about this but he sure doesn't 'get it' like the sisters.
Sending love and hugs,
The Searcher

Resolve

Looks like Liz broke the silence and woke up the sleeping blog.

I will not entertain the words "give up." However, when does one make the decision to "let go"? What does that really mean? A better chance for more quality of life?

I have not lost optimism as it seems I could go on for months or even years as nobody knows for certain. This chemo cloud I exist in now is not working for me. Yet to not continue treatments frays at the edges of my mind to suggest one more effort.

I do not mean to be dramatic or morbid. What else to do with these questions? They need to be asked and not swept under the rug even though there is no clear answer.

At this moment my resolve is in question. These words seem meaningless.

I love you all and wish you well.

Just thinking about my sisters

Hi Girls! Just thinking of each of you - imagining each of you and your sweet faces and voices. I hope you are all sassy, safe and serene! I love you tons!
The Searcher

Moments

Yum!

It was spaghetti night last night. The whole house was infused with the aroma of fresh garlic, onion, basil, tomato sauce and garlic bread. You would be lucky to have been here at Bob's Bistro But this is not really about spaghetti.

This is about a splendidly simple good and kind man. He takes such care in all he does. As I watched him standing at the counter chopping each vegetable just so it struck me as if were in some deep profound culinary dream. I must have been starving!

I often wonder why I draw on such seemingly insignificant moments in my life and put them out there for the world to see. I do think we all have these warm simple moments though and should recognize them. Most often they slip away with the vapors of the boiling pot. Maybe my uncomplicated life brings a keen insight into these moments.

We all also have those frustrating and annoying moments with those we love as well. I may notice and dwell on that another day.

Snow Bird

Anne Murray

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aVNj9Pl-i7I

I used to love to take Zach and Ginger to the woods after a fresh deep snow just after it turned dark. There would be no footsteps but ours. There would be little sound under our feet. I often wondered if curious wildlife was observing us. Once an owl swooped down to the creek and it was one of the most awesome experiences.

We would walk deep into the woods as far as we could physically go by the light of the moon glowing over the crystaline snow. At other times without the snow as and ol Sol as our guide and comfort, I would never venture even to the very edge of the woods.

I miss those times.

My Sweet Little Man

I'm missing my little friend - haven't seen him for a couple of weeks. This is a picture I took at Christmas time with his cat, Ashton. It's hard to believe he's 5 1/2 years old now, isn't it? It'll be interesting to see how he does with a new little brother. I sure wish he wasn't so far away. Miss him terribly.

That being said, here's an interesting picture of Sarah - 8 months along:

Thank you Lori for calling her!

I like the pic of you, Loretta, in your costume - Dan said you look like a Quaker - like he knows what one looks like.

Susie - don't forget to get that big fat book I gave Mel to give to you - it has tons of info.

Hi Di - hope you're feeling better each day.

It's been a wild week at work and I'm only half way through it. Yikes.

Love you all my sweet sisters.

The Searcher

Cute

Aren't they pretty!?

Need a laugh??

Hello Sisters,

I enjoyed your post the other day Lizzie. I was going to respond, but thought I would post something instead. For some reason I could not figure out how to put this picture on the blog and I knew it had been awhile since you all had something to laugh at me about. Well, I messed around with it for so long I just gave up. I am sooooo computer challenged sometimes. I know I had posted a picture before so don't know what the was the problem.

I am a different kind of servant in this picture from another time period - 1803 instead of 1770. There was an event called 12th Night at the Tryon Palace and I helped serve cake and wassail after the 12th Night party. It was fun because my volunteer cohort did it too. We are going to be in a fashion show in February, but will wear fancy dresses that belong to the palace. Perhaps I will send you another picture then. I do have to wear a wig for that event. I wonder why?? I could have had to have my hair chopped off when I got head lice or it caught on fire when I got too close to the hearth. What do you think?

We have had some of your nasty cold weather accompanied by snow and sleet and cold rain. Yesterday we had 4 inches of snow and Earl is somewhat surly because he has been stuck in the house all weekend and then Monday too. Grumpy might be a better word for his condition, but no mind. He will get over it when the weather warms up - if it ever does.

I had a physical fitness evaluation at the gym and the results weren't pretty except my resting heart rate and cardiovascular fitness which I scored excellent on. Oh yes, also my bicep strength. Not sure how I pulled that off. I am not aware of any strength building in my biceps unless it is the lifting of heavy food on my fork. That could be it. My BMI was REALLY high and my flexibility very, very low so I am a strange mix. Overall, I only scored Fair which is slightly above Needs Work. Tomorrow the trainer is supposed to give me a program to follow. Then I can have something to whine about when I get really sore. I know how you all love to hear me whine! Maybe I will be able to enter the Senior Citizen Body Building Contest. Another mental picture for you girls.

I have started working on a baby quilt for Sarah's baby. It will be my first pieced quilt. I wish I would have started this quilting business years ago so each of my great nieces and nephews would have one.

I am also working on making some stays, Those are those things like Scarlet O'Hara wore in Gone with the Wind and was cinched up to have a 12 inch or less waist. Not sure about that measurement. Once completed my waist might get to be 28 inches. And my boobs will rise to meet my chin - the bottom chin. Judy, my palace volunteer friend is making some too. Laura said we had to wear them when we are in the fashion show. Laura is showing us how to make them. Not my favorite type of sewing, but interesting.

I chatted with Sarah a little while yesterday and she said she had such a nice time at her shower and received many nice things for Camden. I imagine she is getting nervous as her due date gets nearer. She said she has decided to try to have him naturally. Ouch!

So, did you have a little overnight at your house Lizzie? I am missing all the fun. Darn.

I hope your fuzziness is becoming less fuzzy Diane. Am missing your thought provoking posts.

How about you Susie? Are you getting stronger and feeling good? You looked good in the pictures I saw on Facebook.

That's it girls. Sorry I don't have anything more interesting to report.

Love you all bunches.

Lori

Hello Sisters

I've been looking everyday to see if anyone has anything to say. I won't babble on and on - just hoping to have a word from one of you. I think that you, Diane, are still working through the fuzziness of your recent treatment. I saw Susie yesterday at the shower - that was fun! Sarah got a lot of nice things - so sweet! I saw from my phone history at work that Lori called me today - such a wild and crazy day - hardly had time to pee. Sorry I missed you!
Hope you are all happy and safe.
Lots of love,
The Searcher

Just a word or two

Hi Sisters!
Just sitting her contemplating my navel and it made me think of all of you and our recent belly button conversation. Not really, but that just rolled out through my thought process.
Dan is on his way to Athens, Alabama with a long time friend - whose name happens to be Dan, also. The other Dan bought a vintage car on eBay and they are on their way to pick it up. Dan collects cars and he has this long trailer that they are pulling. Ok, I know, who cares about the double Dans and their extra long trailer!
It seems odd that he's not here but it's kind of nice, too, just hanging out in my jammies and with the dog. I'm even taking the day off tomorrow to really get a good dose of 'me time.'
I'm frustrated with my condo tenants who are moving out today. We are to meet tomorrow but they aren't answering their cell phones or even my texts. Dan's kids are just like that - you call, text, call again, leave messages, etc. and they still don't respond. Very rude, don't you think?! I have someone who wants to look at the place tomorrow. I've had a bunch of losers respond to my ad and I want to take advantage of this one that seems like a good one.
We may be having a slumber party here Saturday night - Mel said she (and whoever else comes with her) may come Saturday night and spend the night and then we'll all go to Sarah's baby shower on Sunday. That should be fun so 'ya all come' and join in.
We're really close to getting our house ont he market. Probably the end of this month or first part of February. Still have a few things to do but nothing major. We sure have a lot of junk to still get rid of though.
This is just a rambling post - not-too-newsy news. But, like I said, I was thinking of each of you and about your unique differences and your unique wonderful characteristics. I hope we'll be able to do our little sisters get together this spring - all of us all together.
Ok, time for me to go to bed. Oh, wait, Ihave to take that doggone dog out to pee! I knew I'd miss Dan a bunch.
Lots of love,
The Searcher

Good Vibes

Sending Diane good vibrations!

Hope that chemo is doing its magic and not being too hard on you little sister. Hang in there - like you always do!
Love to anyone who reads this!

Restless Tonight

Another Alison Krauss - I wrote this in the middle of last night.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rp-xgWjHu90

Again I question my decisions concerning my treatment. I cannot trust my judgement. I am soaking up resources and incurring huge expenses, not only for us in deductibles and other incidentals, but the insurance company also. Do they wonder how I can keep going.

What I don't know is how my family really feels about it. Of course who can figure this out?

I teeter between high lucidity and deep bouts of fuzzy thinking. I attribute it to when I am sleep depraved and medication. But over I am not functioning normally.

Is this quality of life? Though I cannot imagine giving up. Should I?

I think of Bob. This has been a tough year. He never complains and keeps trudging along never taking shortcuts and doing what he does with great care. Would he be able to finally relax if I just let nature take it's course? I know he would miss me and be lonely.

I cannot bring myself to speak of this regarding our kids and the grandkids. And of course my dear sisters. Sorry, I do whine and complain to you sisters.

I am not afraid. I do not fear the hospital stays or the treatments. I guess I fear making the wrong decisions about how this all affects my loved ones.

This is not meant to be morbid. Just thinking out loud.

A Living Prayer

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tLZAWtdFhio

This may be confusing to you. It is to me. This song touches me to the core. It is religious. There is a phrase in it that makes it work for me - "a haven from my own beliefs."
This song speaks to me though I hum through or ignore the saviour, god and him parts.

My revulsion for rules and doctrine imposed by organized religion is probably ridiculous and childish. That is just my make up. I do not believe I judge others who have differing beliefs. Maybe it is a copout, laziness, mediocrity, or some other personality flaw. Haven't figured that one out.

This does not refer to you, Lori. You honestly live your faith. You have influenced and inspired me as well as more people than you can imagine.

If I were to choose a belief to embrace as strongly, I would choose that of Mahatma Gandhi. I am embarrassed to even mention him in this post as I fall hopelessly and helplessly short that I don't even try. Instead I try to do the right thing day in and day out and miss the mark miserably some days and have some fairly successful days.

We all do that. Thank you Dad and especially thank you Mom. I know that the eras and different circumstances each one of us were exposed us to shaped our lives and beliefs today. It's all good.

Happy New Year Sisters!

What shall it bring?
What shall we accomplish?
What can we avoid?
What goodness can we spread?
What 'crap' will we drag in from 2010?
The Searcher will try to be a good girl, do good things and make a difference - one day at a time.... maybe I should start with a goal of one hour at a time!
Happy New Year Sisters of High Hopes!
I love you all.
The Searcher