Be OK

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vpMI8Qu5fsc

I was so stunned at the series of health events with the sisters this week that I came to a stall.

Well Lori is supposedly okay but I can't see her or touch her to know for sure if she is fully functional, though that certainly seems to be the case.

When Liz had her scary moments in the hospital, I realized this is not right. I can only joke about my own pitiful condition. I worry and fret over my sisters breakdowns. I guess I have a heart.

Now Susie. We must patch you up good as new. When we all feel good at the same time this spring, let's stop talking about it and all go on a retreat at a state lodge or something. Sorry no camping for me.

Then there is Chrissy S. who deals with one of the most complicated (to me) auto immune diseases, juggling meds, kids, house, etc.

And Chrissy A. with her two surgeries in a week and her root canal from hell. And the difficult decisions to make about treatment.

This makes it challenging for me to be cavelier about health issues when they belong to someone else.

Where is the purposefulness and authenticity in this life, if we don't design it?

Thanksgiving Reflections

Like the many Facebook posts and bloggers I too have so very much to be thankful for - a husband who loves me most of the time, two great sons, sisters who understand my ups and downs and allows to me whine occasionally, good health for the number of birthdays I have had and on and on.

As I was rattling on about thankfulness I heard an email alert and looked and saw it was from Liz about Susie being in the hospital with diverticulitis and going to surgery. How frightening! What is happening to us sisters? I don't want to be part of this hospitalization society you have going on so don't ask me to join you. Please let me know what is going on when you find out.

Well, my reflections have pretty much flown out the window with the news of Susie. There wasn't any reflections of turkey and dressing because we had meatloaf and it wasn't even made with ground turkey. We decided to paint the bedroom over the next few days. Yesterday we primed the walls and painted the crown molding. I should be in there painting right now. Earl played golf this morning so he will be home soon ready to go again. I will say he gets going and will keep going till it gets done. Me? I am a bit less determined than he is.

Please keep me posted on Susie. I love you all.

Happy Thanksgiving Family!

I decided to add a post and a pic before I read all your other recent posts. It's been quite a week and I truly am thankful for a day of reflection. I look at these pictures of us - I bet they could be 'at least' 20 years ago. I'm so thankful for our lives and our history. Sure, we all have regrets about not doing this or that but, for the most part, we are a pretty solid group! No family fueds (many a bit to do with Jim) like many families have.

Thanksgiving always makes me start that silly emotional holiday thing. Expectations make me lose my common sense sometime - usually starts today and lasts until New Years. Not making any promises to do any drastic changes but just try to be aware of it. Whatever happened last year and the years before will probablyhappen this year - nothing worse. I'm not upset as I write, just reflective. And, reminded that it's another wonderful day to be alive!

Dan asked me if we used to have a big family Thanksgivings (fueling my expectations and longings) and, as I have said to him so many times, life changes all the time and people's lives go in all kinds of directions - kids have their own kids, families divorce bringing more people into obligatory get togethrs - more complications, more grandchildren, more things to juggle

What would I like at Thanksgiving? I would LOVE for all us to be together in one noisey house, being silly, making fruit salad, dressing, arguing over who is the favorite and having all those kiddies, dogs and additions running around. I only say that because for me that would be ideal but I do know that that is not practical or gonna happen. The feelings that I do have in my heart are ones of love, comfort and peace. I also know how special the times are when we do all get together and any day can be "thanksgiving day." I am amazed at all that has come our way in the past 20+ years and how we can still laugh and cry and hug and be more open and, most importantly, THANKFUL for what we have as sisters. I am sooooooooo thankful for you girls.

Being in the hospital and getting your worried calls and texts meant so much to me. I know you all care about me but there was something special about how you all reached out and I felt so loved.

Yep, we're getting old girlies. It's amazing, isn't it - and sometimes scary (rarely) thinking about things/hearts, hearing, etc. failing us. I feel certain that we will always have our wacky senses of humor and that will take us a long, long way. I want to go down laughing and being stupid!

Lots of love to all of you.

Gobble Gobble Gobble

Words

I listened to a great short story by Neil Gaimen. He is one of my favorite authors. In it a character told about people who spend their words as if they were gold coins. It really spoke to me but I scatter my words around as if they were pieces of dung.

I keep thinking about it, but don't know if I could pull it off. He also mentioned fouling the air with curses and threats. Sounds more like me. I will work on that.

I am also reading The Graveyard Story by him.

Here is a link to the short story. Now you will really know how strange I am.

http://www.fiftytwostories.com/?p=1338

Sisters

Sisters is probably the most competitive relationship within the family, but once the sisters are grown, it becomes the strongest relationship. ~Margaret Mead

Liz, you have been on my mind all day and I am feeling a bit introspective. I am so glad you took care and went to the care center. You are in good hands.

Update - I had a voice mail from Liz that everything checked out okay with no blockages and a good strong heart. We all knew that.

I am so grateful for my sisters. The years have brought us closer and it has been a comfort to me to know you are all nearby in body and spirit ready to help whenever and however you can.We have been through a lot together and I cannot express to you how thankful I am that we lack the drama and angst that many siblings impose on each other.

Evermore I will love you all.

48 Years?

How did all those years go by so quickly? When I woke yesterday I found an anniversary card on the table with the words Loretta Maye. I was surprised because our anniversary is today rather than yesterday. Except...Earl thought it was yesterday. We both got a chuckle out of that. The older we get the more muddled things become in our minds. Probably not a good sign. So...since he thought it was our anniversary yesterday we decided to celebrate it by going to the Olive Garden for dinner. We had the most delightful young woman as our waitress. We didn't tell her it was our anniversary, but she treated us as if we were celebrating something.

Where do all those years go? It seems like yesterday we stood before that judge in Jacksonville, Florida and said "I Do". Little did we know at the time what we were agreeing to do for years and years. The many good times diminish the not so good times many times over. Lately there seems to be an increased tenderness and consideration for one another. Difference of opinions are forgotten quickly. I guess what I am feebly trying to express is we seem to be having a mature honeymoon period. I am going to work at it to make it last.

Ok...new subject....Lizzie, I hope you have gotten a clean bill of health and are home from the hospital. Please let us know what is going on.

It was good talking to all my sisters yesterday. We should do it more often.

I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving. It is my favorite holiday when I can be with my family so this year it isn't so favorite for me. I love you all.

Clutter

Now this is a most boring entry, but it makes me feel good. And isn't that what it's all about? I may lose all of my faithful readership as people fall off into deep bouts of slumber.

For the last couple of months I have been cleaning out drawers, cupboards and closets. I have come across so much clutter. I thought I was on top of things for the most part, but you would be amazed at how many plastic grocery bags of garbage left the house with Bob taking over half of it to the recycling bins at the fire station during this time.

I had old outdated spices that I had long forgotten about. The fridge was a black hole of ancient condiments, catsup packets, tartar and soy sauce. I used them up and now our fridge looks bare but it has just what we need and we love it. No edible purgatory here. Leftovers get eaten in a matter of days or they are out of here.

The hall pantry also had a huge overhaul. Sometimes it felt so good to free up some space, I would go through them again in a few days to see if I missed anything.

As I muddle through the sewing closet though, I wonder what would possibly compel me to hang on to odd bits of batting and tiny colorful scraps of fabric. Some teeny little square inch polka dot cotton morsels I just could not toss away. What is up with that?

I have struggled for years trying to be simple and tidy. I guess that closet has been my dirty little secret. At least one of them.

Somehow I have been trying to relate the physical clutter in my house to the mental clutter in my brain and am having a hard time sorting it out. I do know that as I free up physical spaces, my mind is more at ease. Am I overanalyzing this? (Steroids may have some contributing factors here..lol)

How do you feel about all this meaningless obsession with clutter?

Wildlights

Tonight Jimmy, Chrissy, Ally and Maddy came over and wisked me off to the zoo. Jim took the girls in the Blazer while Chrissy and I rode in the little red pumpkin shaped Beetle. I think our gabbing along talking all kinds of crazy talk helped us get there in about ten minutes.

It was a bit crowded but every one was spread out and happy and moving along. Jimmy pushed me around mostly appropriately while trying to embarrass me (which is hard to do when you left your dignity at home in the pocket of another pair of pants). Chrissy strolled the girls in and out of the busy throngs like a a woman on a mission. Ally and Maddy's faces were aglow with wonder and awe. Mine with windburn.

The animals all seemed to be fired up for a great performance, kind of like the Madagascar movei. We saw the polar bears, tigers curled up together sleeping next to the viewing glass, a ton of beautiful tropical fish shark and manatees, some very amorous and unusually active manatees, elepants and of course the reptile house. I wonder what they think of all the lights.

The lights were amazing. I was literally bleary eyed (narcotic stupor) trying to take it all in. I would love to know how that monumental project unfolds to display this unbelievable ligh show. How many people and bucket trucks work for how many days and weeks to get it set up and take down. And where do they store this stuff? Is it a tangled mess up in a loft like ours?

It was so much fun to go out in the real world. Thanks for taking me.....

Quirky Doctors

I have had some wonderful doctors during the last eleven years of treatment. In the last month I have had a couple of unusual characters. I also have a psychologist who might be stalking me. More on that later.

Recently I had scheduled on a day when my regular kind and caring doctor was not in because I am attempting to control my own health care schedule by ignoring their recommended weekly appointments and going when it suits my whims.

I was seen by a doctor that I had not heard of before. I didn't think it was a biggy. Go with the flow. I had a flash of mixed signals when I saw him. He was a small trim white haired older gentleman dressed sharply in all crisp black with a subdued silver chain around his neck. He walked in with what appeared to be a confident smile and it seems now that I recall, he shook my hand and Liz's hand a little more often than necessary. He looked at my foot with great interest and started to scrape on it and I thought I might be going to die. The pain was intense and when it was over and I had recovered, I informed him it had never hurt so intensely before. He smiled that sweet but now creepy smile and said in a voice that came softly from somewhere in my head, "I am the first one to do it right."

He will never see or touch my pretty foot again.

For two nights in a row I have had to do some major wound care work to stop the bleeding and to clean up what looked like a morbid massacre scene on the bedroom floor. Not an easy task scooting around in a wheelchair pushig a water soaked paper towel Rube Goldberg style with my old lady grabber. Get the picture?

As I did this dirty work, I recalled where I had seen that soft demeanor and creepy eerie smile from the past. Anthony Hopkins as Hannibal Lector in Silence of the Lambs. Did I hear him slurping as he shook our hands gently, smiling slyly as he sauntered out the door?

Perception

It feels as though I am living on the edge of perception, partially due to the concoction of medications I consume, and partially due to the uncertain mystique of the disease. Not one of us really knows what our future holds so there is no need for me or anyone else to be dramatic about this mystery.

A few people have asked me to share the story of my "journey" and it seems overwhelming at times. The story changes daily or it stalls for a week or so and is not so interesting for most of the part.

My goal is to fill each day with some fun, usefulness, lots of love and to hold my family near and dear. Isn't that what we should all be doing?

Thank you to my wonderful husband, kids and sisters for all of your help and support. I am feeling pretty good and very optimistc these days and I plan to be around for a long while.

It has been a struggle to get over not being able to do all that I have in the past. I have come to terms with it and try to accept all of your kind offers. I am a Hope girl though and more headstrong than I realized. I perform the most menial tasks that take me a ridiculous amount of time yet I feel triumphant when I do.

I hope to be consistent here, but that is not my strong point. Really?

More exciting posts to follow so consider yourselves warned.

Love you all.